The Sark Football Team and Hovercraft Enthusiasm: Citation Needed 7×02


This is the Technical Difficulties,
we’re playing Citation Needed. Joining me today, he reads books y’know,
it’s Chris Joel. Hello. Everybody’s favourite Gary Brannan,
Gary Brannan. ♪ I’m in the old-fashioned bustle
my grandmother wore! ♪ He is, you know. And the bounciest man on the internet,
Matt Gray. Willkommen, YouTube! In front of me, I’ve got an article from Wikipedia,
and these folks can’t see it. Every fact they get right is a point
and a ding and there’s a special prize for particularly
good answers, which is… And today, we are talking about
the Sark football team. Okay. Island off Jersey! Yeah, have a point. Have a point for that straight away. – Do they play football?
– Is it about their… aagh! Yeah, but American football. On a boat in Greenwich. – What?
– What? Cutty Sark… No? Already? Shall I leave? Yes. Yes, Sark is part of the Bailiwick of Guernsey. Okay, fair enough. What are the Channel Islands? Let’s start really, really far out. Are they… some islands…
in the English Channel, Tom? Yeah, you’re not getting a point for that. – What?
– What? You’re not getting a point
when I gave you the title! I don’t understand the question, then. There’s something special about, sort of,
how they… Oh, are you asking me what they’re called? Oh, Jesus f***. There’s one called Jersey,
there’s one called Guernsey, – Go on.
– …and there’s one called St Helen’s? No. – No.
– St Helen’s is near Wigan! You’re thinking of St Helena, and that’s
on the other side of the planet. Okay, yes… Alderney. Alderney is the other one, yes. Does one of them have a capital
of St Helena of Guernsey? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes! Yes. I’m getting something right. That’s my job! And the thing is, you’re wrong,
it’s Saint Helier. When you say, “What are the Channel Islands?” my standard answer is usually,
“Occupied France.” Yes, and have a point. Absolutely, they were the only bit… Did you just give a point for that? Well, that’s one of the questions I was
going to ask. They were the only bit of the United Kingdom,
well, UK territory, that was actually taken by Germany in the
Second World War. They were invaded in 1940, or ’41. I forget the year. I wasn’t there, why the f*** am I like that?
Honestly. In 1940, but in terms of Britain,
what are they? Crown territory. Yes. Have the point, they are a crown dependency, but they are not part of the United Kingdom. ♪ Tax haven, wider than a mile… ♪ Oh, sorry, I thought you were
going for Goldfinger, there. – Same tune.
– They are the same song. And they are the same people that live there! Is Sark the one where you don’t have any
motor vehicles? Is it still bicycles and horses and carts? Oh, yes, absolutely right. Sark is the one where cars are banned. Ladies and gentlemen, the Gary Brannan
General Knowledge Edition. The, “Gary’s mum and dad have been on
holiday to the Channel Islands,” edition, and I sat through the photos. I need some slides… So was that just, “And this is not a car,
and this is not a car, and this is not a car… “This looks like a car, but in the back… “very large hamster wheel.” “This looks like a car.” Pull up the bonnet: horse. Miniature horse? Yes. Oh, cracking, want one. Isn’t Sark one where it is technically still
run by a lord? – Feudal.
– Feudal, I think it is something like that. Oh, he’s getting all the points today, yes. He’s on home turf here, come on. Obscure crown territory facts, bring it on. It was considered the last feudal state in
Europe until 2008, when they reformed it, but yes, that will… You own the island, therefore
you own the people. Yeah, pretty much. Oh, please say they had a Communist revolution. I know they didn’t but, you know? – The horses.
– A horsey uprising! ‘The Reform’, it’s referred to… That sounds more ominous than it
ought t’be, really, doesn’t it? ‘The Reform.’ It is all capitalised. And if you didn’t like the idea,
would that be Sark snark? Jesus. Yes? No, it’s sark-asm. When you’re negative about it. Oh, guys, that deserved more,
sark-asm, it really did. There are a lot of old laws still in place. They didn’t have divorce until 2003. Was it separation of bed and table? I don’t know what that is. That is the way you could organise a form
of divorce pre-divorce being allowed. You were allowed to live apart
by the church courts. Mensa et thoro. Oh yeah, come on, it’s all in here somewhere! I mean, I’m… Because you’ve just basically told me the
entire first paragraph of a completely different Wikipedia article I haven’t loaded. So, yes. Third time in three shows, by the way. But how can you now get divorced on Sark? You can murder the other person. Not technically a divorce. I reckon that was always an option,
you know, mate. Oh! Leave.
Get divorced, come back. Yes. You can now get divorced in Guernsey
and come back to Sark. “Those liberal Guernsey b******s,”
they probably think. Having been out on islands like that, when I was on holidays a few years ago
I went out to one of the Hebridean islands. I went to Coll, which is a similar kind of thing,
very small island. They have a very slightly larger neighbour,
Tiree, who they see as being stuck up, because A, they have the Co-op,
and B, they have the policeman. And what happens is when the policeman gets
on the boat to come over, they phone up the island, and everyone hides
their non-registered cars and stuff until the policeman has left. And now you’ve just ratted all of them out. Yeah! Get over there,
policeman from Tiree, come on! But by the time he’s got there, they’ll
have hidden them again. Hidden the cars, yes. Somewhere on that island, the phone’s just… “Oh, we said not to tell anyone!” “Gary, we told you…!” We briefly mentioned the economy, what is
Sark’s economy driven by? Horses! Sarcasm. Tourism. Yes, and you also said that earlier,
financial services. Eh, kids? It has… a low amount of tax,
let’s say that. How long do you have to live there? It’s got to be over a number of years, probably. I’m guessing owning a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny
fraction of a bit of land counts as living there. Three months in a tax year. Okay, fair enough. If you’re there for 91 days, you’re good. You’re a resident, you get their tax laws if you want them. Don’t do this, I’m really crap at tax stuff. Do they have to be… I’m rapidly figuring out if I can do this, the answer is almost certainly no,
but I’m thick as mince. Don’t let me near this. Just a sec. This means all your tax savings could be spent
on getting a hovercraft there, and then you could get a hovercraft there, and that would be fun, because it’s a hovercraft. It is quite a long way away. Tom, Tom, Tom, please can I have
a go on a hovercraft? What we’re saying is we all want a go on
a hovercraft. And I think I can arrange that, but… Ooh! Smash cut to… I’m more worried about Matt’s tax advice
system here, which is – “Yes, we can save you money for a hovercraft.”
– Hovercraft, hovercraft, hovercraft. Like, it’s not the worst tax advice
I’ve ever heard, but… If we did, we could do a show on a hovercraft,
it would be ‘on air’, because it’s… It’s a golf clap. It’s a golf clap. It’s a good four. I’m not biscuiting that. The legal system on Sark
also has something called… er, I’m going to try and pronounce French
again here, which is never great. Oh great. The Clameur de haro. Clammy arrows? Is that along the lines of the hue and cry
for a criminal, or something like that? Oh, it’s connected to hue and cry. I’ll absolutely give you a point for that. Yes, for apprehending a felon,
or something like that, no? Ah, not in this case, but
what is the hue and cry? Hue and cry is an ancient thing where in a
community you would be responsible for raising the hue
and cry if someone had committed a crime and was passing through your community. It’s, “All pile on,” basically, in a
legal term. Right, so it’s like the law, but on a small island where the law operates
like American football. This is not on Sark. I should point out for a hue and cry, all able-bodied men, upon hearing the shouts,
were obliged to assist. Oh, that sounds like so much fun. This is the hue and cry, though, this is not
Clameur de haro. A-r-r-o-w? No, h-a-r-o. Oh. This is kind of the opposite. This is not going to catch someone,
this is to stop someone. Ignore someone. I was going to say, professionally ignoring
crimes. Wait, tax haven! “Hovercraft, what hovercraft?” “It’s disguised as a barn, officer!” No, it’s disguised as a load of money. Is that a formal way of saying, “Geroff my land!”? Yeah, go on. It’s not, “Get off my land,” but yes,
it is a formal Thing that you Do. This is annoying me, because I half know this. It’s some kind of judicial process where you effectively bring someone
in front of the king to adjudge on a land case or
something like that, isn’t it? It is, it’s a very specific process. The procedure is performed on one’s knees. Steady everyone. Before at least two witnesses, in the presence of the wrongdoer, and in the location of the offence. All right? The Criant, the person complaining, with his hand in the air must call out, “Hear me, hear me, hear me. “Come to my aid, my prince,
for someone does me wrong.” – Yes.
– That’s a hell of a safe word. Try speaking that through the orange, yeah! Followed by reciting what well-known thing
in French? Lord’s prayer. Yes, absolutely right. It’s been done recently, this. – Yes it has.
– This is why I’ve heard of it, it’s because it’s in
some kind of land dispute, and it’s something like a hedge or a garage
or something like that, and the guy is basically on the verge of
losing the case, and as one final, basically, legal dick move
just dropped to his knees and did that. And everyone went,
“Oh, s***, that’s still enforced.” That kind of thing. What happens after the
Lord’s prayer is recited? What does the person they are challenging
need to do? Based on what’s already gone before, presumably
adopt a backwards crab position, walk in a circle on a full moon, but any other time of the year, you have to
go completely rectilinear, and shout something, yeah,
let’s go with Latin. It is significantly simpler than that. Most things are! There are people in this room with doctoral
theses that were easier to complete than that. Do they just go, “Right”? Yes, that’s basically it. They just have to stop what they’re doing. Regardless of whether they are legally entitled
to do it or not, if that is used they have to stop
and it goes to adjudication. Wouldn’t you if someone got on their knees
and did all of that? Yes, to be fair, yes. Yeah, but only to watch! As the bulldozer rumbled towards them, yes. And if you call without a valid reason,
you pay a fine. If you call and, er… How much is the fine? I’m going to say this, is it one that’s
been set a long time ago? Yeah, two guineas! It’s either ludicrously cheap,
or ludicrously expensive. It doesn’t actually say. It just says, “a penalty”. Oh. You just have to take a free kick. Hang on, didn’t we start on
the football team, like, 20 minutes ago? Yes. Where I was going to bring this back to in
a little while, but we got onto the legal system of Sark at
some point, so. Hold your horses! Yes! Thank you. What, they have to take a set of penalties,
and it’s best of six or something? Yes, I’m going to pass it to you. Every time the other team scores,
the entire Sark team does that. Well, that would be quite difficult. What’s the population of Sark, roughly? Don’t forget some of them are only there
91 days of the year. Well this is what I’m trying to
factor in here. Though they probably send the butler
to play for them. I was going to say something like 150, but
when you count actual residents, if it’s so easy, it could be in the thousands. It’s about 600 people. So, as you can imagine, the Sark football
team does not have a lot of people who are highly qualified to play football. – Correct.
– Are any of them horses? The Sark football team are all human. Starting at base principles here. Who do they play against? Other football teams. Yes. I’m not giving you a point for that. (F*** you!) Oh, is it the Channel League? Anyone who wants to come over and play them. Hang on a minute. Hang on chaps, do we know seven other people? I’m getting an idea here. Yes, same. Hovercraft? From what I’ve heard of this team, do we
need another 11-minus-4 people? Ah, good idea. You’re absolutely right, I’m going to
give you a point for islands as well, because their international matches were in
2003. There’s four of them listed here. They’ve done international matches? Against Gibraltar, the Isle of Wight, Greenland,
and a place… I’m going to mispronounce the vowel in this,
called Frøya. Frozen yoghurt? That’s ‘froyo’…! They lost 2-1! They lost to Sorbet United. Absolutely done over by Yop, yeah. So they had these four matches in 2003. How did they do? All conclusive losses. Yes. Boom. How conclusive? Very. Yes, I’m going to… Like, double digits. Yes. Was it because Gibraltar
are a full nation now? So Gibraltar must have pasted at least 20,
or something like that. 19-0, I’ll give you a point for that. It was 20-0 against the Isle of Wight. 20! Full FIFA member, Isle of Wight, love it. Greenland, 16-0 against Sark. Frøya, 15-0 against Sark. They still tried! Lads… “No, no, we’re going to do it today.” They still turned up. Which is more than the England side do(!) Lads, we could do this. I’m sorry, we could be the first team to
go over and get beaten by Sark. Yes! Yeah. Goes on the list. – Yep.
– We would get in all of the Sark papers(!) – We would.
– We would. Dibs on goal. Oh, no, I’m ex-keeper. – Yeah, Gary is, actually…
– I don’t care, I called dibs first. Well, that’s fair. For one thing, we don’t want an ex-keeper. We want somebody who’s not going to bother
in goal so they win! Pull me up front! To be fair, that is how it also works in the
England team. “Dibs keeper”! Right, I’ll book the hovercraft. We can, no, I am genuinely up for this s***. I will do this. Put it on the list. I would love to have that, as the first team
to lose profe… We’re not from an island,
that’s the only problem. We’ll go and stand on
that one in Peasholm Park, put up a flag, take a picture and… Oh, yeah! Do you have a phone number for… Sark? I reckon they have more than one phone,
you know? Shall we ring them now? “Lads, lads, the phone’s ringing!” Entire town. “Yes?!” What happens is, he takes the message, sounds a bugle for the lord to come down and
be read the proclamation. “Hue and cry!
The mainland have challenged us to football.” “A duel of footer, you say?” He says, in his big chair in his hall, as
I imagine he still has. Shall I ring Sark now? – Yes!
– Yes. – Do it.
– There’s no signal, there’s no signal. It’s a genuine thing, right? You’ve been playing good people,
it hasn’t worked out. We’re s***, right? And we know we are! Yeah!
♪ We’re… ♪ We’re Peasholm Park United, take it on. And on that, congratulations, Gary, you win
the show. Whoo-ah! You win a bright orange thing for a large
mustelid to bounce on in isolation. It’s a tangerine wolverine quarantine trampoline. So, do enjoy that. With that, we say thank you to Chris Joel. Oh! Yeah. To Gary Brannan. To Matt Gray. Good-bye-bye YouTube. I’ve been Tom Scott,
we’ll see you next time.

100 thoughts on “The Sark Football Team and Hovercraft Enthusiasm: Citation Needed 7×02

  1. A part of a toy version of a character from The Lord of the Rings, made of an alloy of copper and zinc.

    Lego Legolas's brass ass

  2. I would genuinely watch a Technical Difficulties + 7 friends v Sark football match (for charity?) if you can live stream it.

  3. Damn! I've been binge-watching this series for the past few days and just accidentally got up-to-date! Now what am I going to do with my time?

  4. ~2:15 Saying the Channel Islands were the only part of the UK to be German-occupied is incorrect. The Channel Islands are NOT part of the UK, they are Crown dependencies…As you say a few seconds later.

  5. In August 1990, an unemployed French nuclear physicist named André Gardes armed with a semi-automatic weapon attempted an invasion of Sark. The night Gardes arrived, he put up two posters declaring his intention to take over the island the following day at noon. The following day he started a solo foot patrol in front of the manor in battle-dress with weapon in hand. While Gardes was sitting on a bench waiting for noon to arrive, the island's volunteer connétable approached the Frenchman and complimented him on the quality of his weapon.[16] Gardes then proceeded to change the gun's magazine, at which point he was tackled to the ground, arrested, and given a seven-day sentence which he served in Guernsey.[16][17][18][19] Gardes attempted a comeback the following year, but was intercepted in Guernsey.

  6. How did you not ask them about the french nuclear physicist who tried to invade the island single handedly using a semi-automatic rifle?!

  7. By the way this episode is mentioned on the Sark wikipedia page as one of the notable appearances of Sark in media

  8. “We’re not from an island” Are you sure, Gary? Are you sure about that? Are you positive?

  9. I've come back to watch after hearing that the Clameur de Haro (apologies if the spelling is wrong, I don't know French) has recently been used

  10. My favorite part about this episode is their bizarre statement that the Isle of Great Britain isn't an island. They can't even be dismissing it based on size, because one or the comparisons was GREENLAND.

  11. I’d pay so quickly to watch that match… I don’t give a flying toss about football… but that? I’d watch the ever living hell out of it

  12. 0:08 optical illusion – look in the middle of the window and you will see black dots… someone else plz explain to the laymen XD

    I can't keep my eyes off of it for gods sake

  13. Portsmouth has:
    1) The only passenger Hovercraft company operating in Britain.
    2) The Grand Duchy of The Lagoan Islands, a micronation.
    3) Ferries to the channel islands.
    Seems like an obvious stop-off.

  14. "You're not getting a point when I gave you the title"
    Because that has never happened before, Tom…

  15. That was a particularly good end joke. For some reason I'm trying to come up with one for Martina Navratilova and let me tell ya lads it ain't an easy one

  16. Sark didn't have a communist revolution – but it's going through what could possibly be described as a capitalist revolution. The Barclay brothers are basically trying to buy Sark for themselves, and hushing everyone that dares to talk about it. As I understand it, no one who has lived on Sark wants anything to do with them. They've built a big, ugly modern castle on Brecqhou – the smaller island that neighbours Sark, which is a complete eyesore compared to the more authentic buildings on Sark itself.

  17. you can also go to a court in any British Commonwealth and have sex in the court room and they will call the marriage void

  18. They don’t mention the fact that during WWII, the feudal lord at the time basically beat the Germans with “I’m better than you, f**k off.”

  19. To correct Gary: you guys are indeed from an island. Last time I checked Great Britain was one.
    And in case there are any issues, just go there as national team of Sealand.

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