-It is Sunday night. And we are here with a special
NFL post-game “Tonight Show.” That’s right. [ Cheers and applause ] And if you’re drunk right now, either you tailgated all day
or you play for the Jets. Okay.
[ Laughter ] Tonight’s big game was between
the Chiefs and the Colts. Of course, the Chiefs are led by 24-year-old MVP quarterback
Patrick Mahomes. [ Cheers and applause ] He’s on the cover
of this year’s Madden. Check it out.
Yeah, how cool is that, right? That is so cool. It reminds me
of when Tom Brady was 24, and he was on the cover
of “Atari Football.” [ Laughter and applause ] Yeah, Patrick Mahomes is being
called the face of the NFL. Meanwhile, his coach Andy Reid
is the gut of the NFL. [ Laughter ] That’s right. The Chiefs were
led tonight by Coach Andy Reid. And the Colts were led
by Coach Frank Reich. Can we see both of them? Yeah. Looks like the red M&M
versus the Trivago guy. [ Laughter ] Looks like
every woman’s first husband versus every woman’s
second husband. [ Laughter ] Looks like Christmas Day Santa versus summer
juice cleanse Santa. Guys, earlier today,
the Patriots played the Redskins at FedEx Field. You can tell the stadium
is sponsored by FedEx ’cause after you show them
your ticket, they pick you up and throw you
over the front gate. -Oh.
-That’s how. Speaking of the Patriots,
this week, Tom Brady admitted that he’s been wearing
the same shoulder pads for the last 25 years. Then his jock strap was like,
“And if you think that’s bad… [ Laughter ] …it’s nuts down here.” -Oh! “Quarterback sack.” [ Laughter ] -During today’s
Buffalo Bills game, tight end Dawson Knox
was tackled. But the hit seemed
a bit more painful than most. Take a look at this hit. -Pick up of 5. -Well, Dawson Knox has been…
-Oh! -…one of the more fun players
this season to watch. -On the next play, he was like, [ High-pitched ] “Throw me
the ball. I got this. Yeah.” [ Normal voice ]
You guys, I really do
love these Sunday shows. It’s really exciting
to be on after the big game. So I want to take a minute
to talk to any NFL players who might be watching right now. ♪♪ [ Lisping ] Hi, guys. I want
to take a second this Sunday to speak about safety. Safety is a serious subject. Sadly, some players
sacrifice safety ’cause they assume mouthguards
make them sound silly. Scary stuff. Decisions start to be safe and
[Speaks indistinctly] safety. We should support, shield,
and sustain. Carrots and celery aren’t
a substitute for protein. There is so much to see. Seriously, set an example. Swallow your pride, stay safe,
and try not to spray spit. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Normal voice ] Yeah, there
were a lot of great games today. But my favorite thing
were the referees. Really, I’m not kidding. It was nice to hear
from some whistleblowers that had nothing to do
with Trump. You know what I’m saying?
-Oh. -That’s what people
were talking about. The big story is that a second
whistleblower is coming forward in the Ukraine scandal. [ Cheers ] Trump hasn’t been this upset since he found out there was
a second Donald Trump. [ Laughter ] “You named him Junior?
You’ve got to be kidding me.” [ Laughter ] Oh, get this. The ax that Jack
Nicholson used in “The Shining” just sold at auction
for $200,000. -Ooh.
-Yeah. When the winner told his wife, she was like,
“He-e-e-re’s divorce papers.” Spending that much money
on an ax? [ Laughter ] “I need new countertops, Paul.” I don’t know about this. I heard that you can now buy
whiskey pods. You guys hear about this? -Yeah.
-Yeah. -You have heard about it?
-Yeah. How did you hear about that? -A meme.
-Where — A meme? -Yeah.
[ Speaking indistinctly ] -Gosh. Has anyone taken
a whiskey pod today? [ Laughter ]
-One? -I was wondering why
the audience was so hot, yeah. [ Laughter ] They’re like detergent pods.
But they’re filled with alcohol. Check it out. This is real.
It’s a real thing. -Oh.
[ Audience murmurs ] -That’s great. ‘Cause until now, if you wanted to get drunk
off of plastic, you just had to swallow
a lot of Listerine strips… -Right.
-…which I’ve done. [ Laughter ] Finally, police in Pennsylvania just discovered
$100,000 worth of marijuana growing inside someone’s
empty swimming pool. Take a look at this. [ Audience groans ] When he heard that, Seth Rogen
was like, “Cannonball!”