IT GETS EVEN WORSE | Golf With Friends #2


*Happy music* (JACK): Titties. (WADE): I’m gonna raise the maximum number of strokes to 10… (BOB): *giggling Like a girl* (WADE): BUT, we all have random balls per hole, low gravity is on, bouncy ground is on, and jumping is on, so get rekt. (WADE): The Oasis sucks.
(MARK): Ok, bye. (WADE): You’re gonna have a bad time. (JACK): Okay, this is where rage is gonna ensue, there’s a hole in the middle of this bridge that can get you down. (MARK) Ugh… (WADE): I’m a cube on the first hole? (JACK): We’re all DIFFERENT?
(MARK): Oh, we’re *individually* random. (WADE): We’re all different, and it’s random every hole. (JACK) OHH GOD, I fucking did it. I’m a bouncy ball? I’m like air. (EVERYONE): WAHH!! (MARK): *Giggling* (MARK): That’s different! (BOB): Syncing face cam in 3-2-1… *Claps* (JACK): (Sexy voice) ah ah ah ah harder (MARK): Ooh! x1 (MARK): Ooh! x3 (MARK): Ooh! x5 (MARK): Ooh! x7
(JACK): OOH GO IN! (JACK): Oh God, what the fuck?
(BOB): Holy shit, low gravity fucked me up. (WADE): Woohoo!
(MARK): *groans*
(JACK): YES! YES! YE- Come on! (Has this become a WadeSeptiPlier?) (JACK): YES! YES! YE- Come on! (MARK): Okay… *Determined* (WADE): *groans*
*Laughter coming from MARK* (JACK): Hello Bob! 🙂
(BOB): I’m coming, guys! *laughter from Mark and Jack*
(WADE): Oh, just wait! (MARK): Oh no…
(BOB): I’m coming! (MARK): You got it, Bob! (MARK): I’m proud of you-
(BOB): I’m workin’ on it, hang on… (MARK): -Proud of you, Bob! (BOB): Hang on! I got it!
(JACK): How the fuck are you doing that?!?
*Mark’s voice gets drowned out by Jack’s* (So much innuendo) (WADE): Wow, Bob!
(MARK): How’d you DO that? (BOB): SLAM DUN- *fails*
(BOB): aww. 🙁
(MARK): What the fu- (MARK): What the fu- (MARK): *Giggles*
(JACK): SLAAAAAAAAMIN’!!! (JACK): SLAAAAAAAAMIN’!!! (MARK): SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAMIN’! (WADE): What the-
(BOB): Go in the hole… (JACK): I can’t even do that as good as Ethan Bradberry does it. (MARK): No one can!
(BOB): Go in the hole! (MARK): No one can!
(BOB): Cone! x1 (JACK): *Laughs*
(BOB): Cone! x2 (MARK): IMHEATABABEHH!
(BOB): Cone! x3 (MARK): IMHEATABABEHH!
(BOB): Cone! x4 (BOB): Cone! x6 (BOB): Cone! x7 (MARK): HEATABRABEHRY (WADE): *high-pitched* Bob, you’re so close!… (WADE): Now you’re not as close…
(BOB): Cone, cone. (WADE): Now you’re not as close…
(BOB): Cone, come on. (WADE): Now you’re getting progressively further! (WADE): Now you’re getting progressively further!
(BOB): Alright, alright. (JACK): *toad voice* Why are you talking like Toad? (JACK): *toad voice* Why are you talking like Toad?
(BOB): Slaam… (BOB): …shit. (MARK): Wow, I’m sorry Bob, that cone… Whew… (BOB): Fuckin’ cone!! (EVERYONE): *Laughs* (BOB): Bye everybody. (BOB): *high-pitched grunt* (BOB): GOD, SHIT! I didn’t mean to bounce that time! (WADE): Whelp. Now, you’re down to 20 seconds, Bob! (BOB): I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, don’t worry, I got it!
(MARK): He’s got it. Let him have it. (JACK): Bob knows what he’s doing! This ain’t Bob’s first rodeo! As a cone… ball. (BOB): There we go!
(MARK): Woo! (WADE): Oh, he made it! Nice job, Bob.
(JACK): Nice! (BOB): Exactly as I intended. (JACK): Oh, we’re all level? Mark: Yeeaah…
Jack: What am I? I’M A BALL! I’m just a regular ol’ ball.
Bob: What the fuck am I?
Mark: I’m an egg? Aw, shit. Bob: Would you all get out of me so I can see what I am? Jack: Oh go in! OH GO IN! OH! OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO CLOSE TO A HOLE IN ONE!! Wade: EEEUY! NO!
Mark: OOH OOH OOH…aww! Jack: Now I’m back out here?! What is this bullshi-
Mark: OH FUCK OFF WITH THAT!! [groans] Jack: HUE! Mark: WHY THE SHIT DID IT NOT GO IN? Bob: WHY CAN’T I JUMP?? *Wade moans*
Bob: I’m still rolling but I can’t jump??
Mark: Oh, wow… Jack: Yeah. Same.
Mark: Yeah, I dunno. Bob: All right, here we go…Woo. Jack: Oh shit.
Wade: I–I totally screwed
myself over try to knock Mark away. Mark: Why’d you *do* that, huh?
[Bob laughs] Jack: Go in, go in, go in, go in…
Bob: You shouldn’t have done that… Jack: Go in…Oh thank fuck.
Wade: Because I just wanted to *flirt* with you! Bob: Jack, were you just a regular ball? Jack: Yeah, and I almost got a hole in one right at the start. I clipped the edge of it. Bob: Oh, great! I’m a fucking cone ‘agrin’! [Wade and Jack laugh, Bob makes incoherent sounds]
Wade: Agrin! Cone agrin! Jack: You’re a non-Englisher! I’m a egg.
Bob: Oh, I went to the wrong course…
Mark [laughing]: The wrong one? Bob: Whatever. Like it matters.
Jack: Wheeee! Boing!
Wade: Ooh, regular ball! Jack: See ya..see ya, Mark! [laughs]
Mark: Fucking cube!
Bob: Fucking GO, cone! Bob: GO, cone! Go all the way, cone!
Jack: Hah! Hah! I got that rugby tactic. Bob: All the way, cone. All the way, cone. You can do it.
Wade: Wheee… Jack: Hey Bob. Bob: No, cone! Cone! Cone, calm down! Calm down, cone. Calm down…
Jack: Cone down! Cone down! Wade: Wooo!
Jack: C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon!
Bob: Oh, hey!
Mark: Oh no no no no no, get back up there OH MY GOD NOOO! [Mark groans]
Wade: Bye, Mark!
Jack: OH NO! Go in!
Bob: Oh Jesus… Jack: Oh God, I’m gonna hatch right here.
Mark: Fuck that… Bob: Hey, I made it! Hey Mark, you’re still at the start? [laughs] [everyone but Mark laughs]
Mark: Shut up! I had it — AW FUCK! [everyone but Mark laughs] [everyone but Mark laughs]
Mark: Fuckin’ BOX…is the most bullshit THING…you could possibly GET! Bob: You doin’ okay, friend?
Mark: I’ve been a box *twice!* TWICE! Bob: Hey, I had a *cone* twice, so I don’t care what *you’ve* got. Jack: Yeah, I think Bob has more of a…ah, um…a say in this. Bob: You can go take your box and fuck it.
Mark: Shut up. Mark: I don’t wanna fuck my box.
Bob: Or whatever they say… Mark: You can’t make me fuck my bo- that’s not what I wanted. I didn’t want to bou- Mark: Whoah!
Wade: Woo!
Bob: Oh shit, Mark! Oh shit.
Jack: You almost got it. Mark: Heh-heh! All right.
Jack: Yeah! I like that little boopity-boop right in…Oh, I’m winning! Mark: Oh, shut up. Shut up! Jack: I’m a cylinder!
Mark: I’m an egg.
Bob: What am I? Would you assholes get out of me so I can…oh, I’m an egg. Awesome. Mark: You’re a *ball.*
[Wade screams] Bob: Oh, I’m a ball? Sweet! Bob: Woo!
Jack: Hit me, Bob! Hit me. Wade: STOOOP!
Bob: Oh wait! *That’s* not what I thought was gonna happen!
[Jack laughs] [Jack grunts] Wade: STOOOP!
Jack: Go in! Aww… Jack: Fuck ME! Bob: Yes! Yes! Yes! No! No, no.
Jack: (laughing) What are ya doing over there, Mark? Mark: What the f-…It…it counted like, three strokes — [drowned out by Wade screaming] Jack: Go in! AWWW!
Mark: …I didn’t think it would drop me here! Mark: Oh, fuck this. Bob: Having trouble, Mark?
Wade: OOOOOH! Wade: The cube would be good if I didn’t make the ground all bouncy-bouncy! Mark: I’m out of strokes.
Bob: Goddammit. Jack: [grunts] Fuuuuck… Bob: Hup! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh…yes!
[Mark groans] Wade: Noooo!
Jack: Wooow.
Mark: Ohhh… Bob: I did it! Everyone else sucks. Jack: And you’re still losing. [laughs] Bob: Yeah, well, whatever. Wade: The hole’s to our left…just so everyone knows. Bob: It’s…it’s *that?*
Mark: What? Wade: It’s right…there. Mark: No it’s not! You’re a liar!
Bob: Bye, Wade. Mark: How the fuck would you get there?
Jack: Oh Jesus… Wade: Normally if you’re a normal ball, you run straight into the wall in front of us and bounce up to the thing on our…right… Bob: Oh my God, I got a fucking birdie! Jack: Oh! Oh, go in!
Bob: I got a birdie. You all can suck a dick. Mark: Do not hit me, do not hit me…I swear, please, do NOT hit me!
Jack: COME ON, CUBE!
[Bob laughs] Mark: Do NOT…please!
Bob: Wade…Wade…Wade… [Wade hits Mark]
Mark: NO!
Jack: Oh…
[Bob laughs] Mark- Let me- *hit* AHHAHA!! *Jack laughs at Mark* Wade- I know, I should’ve but- Bob: You had such an opportunity to- Mark: WHY AM I BOUNCING OVER THE HOLE?!?!?! Wade: You’re an Isosphere. *Others laughing at mark* Mark: WHAT THE FUUCK?!?!?! *others still laughing at Mark’s tragic fails* Mark: Wha-hat the FUUCK!?! *others still laughing as well as I xD* Mark: I had that- Mark: I had that in the BAAAG… *others start laughing more* Mark: What was I?
Bob: Hey, I’m not last anymore! Mark: WHAT WAS I?!!? Jack: You were an isosphere. Mark: [stammers] What the fuck is THAT!?
Wade: Oh God… Bob: Oh my…
Wade: Wooooah baby! Woo!
Jack: Oh no no no no no no… Jack: Yes! Yes!
Wade: Stop, stop, stop, stop… Bob: Oh, puck! Oh, puck! Oh, puck me…Oh, puck…
Jack: Yeah, we’re pucks, Bob. Bob: Woo…Oh, baby!
Jack: Keep goin’! Keep go-…Oh God, bouncy ground! Go in! Go in!
Mark: Oh Jesus… Bob: Jack, are you…
Jack: Oh, birdie! Bob: Oh, you birdied. Okay. Yes, Jack, the puck is the thing.
Mark: Oh Jesus…fuck me. Bob: The puck is the word.
Jack: Yeah, I think we…I think we got it handy on that one.
Wade [laughing]: Oh God, Mark… [Mark groans]
Bob: Mark, why did you *do* that? [everyone but Mark laughs]
Mark: What are you *talking* about, “why did I do it”? I didn’t have a fucking CHOICE! [everyone else continues laughing]
Mark: What do you *mean,* “WHY”? Are you kidding? I can’t go ANYWHERE! WHAT THE FUCK!? [everyone else continues laughing]
Mark: OHHHHHOOOO! I’M A SALTY BABY! OOH FUCK! AAGH! Mark: Fuck…yes! Yes! YES! Yesss!
Bob: Oh, Mark! You did it! You did it, Mark! Mark: Watch this shit!
[everyone else laughs] Mark: Fuck you and all of your dicks…
Bob: Oh…oh… Jack: Ohh…
Wade [reading the scores]: 2, 3, 2, 8… Mark: I have been… Jack: My cheeks hurt, man.
Mark: …the unluckiest with shapes, I swear.
Bob: Holy shit… Jack: Ah, stop bouncin’, you little Isosphere bitch! [Mark makes a strained groaning noise, Jack laughs] Jack: You okay there, buddy?
Wade [trying not to laugh]: You got this, Mark! Bob: Mark, we’re in the same boat, we can do this.
Mark: I’m not gonna give up… Jack: Nooo! [Jack grunts] Jack: I can’t even jump. [pause] Oh. Now I can. Bob: Oh! Oh, egg! Egg! [grunts] Egg!
Jack: Gooo! Jack: Oh, this isosphere sucks…Wade, did you go in? Wade: Yeah. Jack: What were you? Wade: A cube. Jack: Ohh, Wade’s hackin’. Mark: Oh, fuck me. Bob: I’m gonna get a hole in two. I’m gonna do it. Jack: Go in. Go i-…aw, fuck.
Wade: Okay, Bob.
Mark: Oh no, no, NO! Mark: Goddammit…
[Jack groans]
[Wade laughs]
Bob: I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna do it. Bob: Just…everyone wait. Jack: What the fuck?
Wade: [sighing] It’s really fun playing golf with you guys. You guys are my bestest friends. [Mark groans] Jack: It’s really fun listening to Mark
having a mental breakdown and have a heart attack. Mark [muffled]: Shut up. [everyone else laughs] Bob: I’m gonna try this shit. Jack: Woah!
Bob: Wooo! Bob: Oh my God, I *overshot* it? Jack: What the fuck?
Wade [laughing]: I think Mark’s broken… Jack: Mark’s out. [laughs] Wade: He’s *so* angry…
Jack: Mark *had* a stroke when he *lost* all his strokes.
[Bob laughs] [Bob and Wade laugh]
Mark [groaning]: Oh man…oh man. Wade [laughing]: I *told* you the oasis was annoying as Hell. Mark: I’m not…I’m not…I’m not having this. Not havin’ it.
[Bob laughs] Mark: I refuse…
Wade: Hey, are we all normal balls? Bob: Are we all *balls?*
Jack: Yeah! Jack: Oh, is that a sph-…
Mark: I’m a…I’m gonna be be fucked up. I’m an isosphere, so fuck you.
[Bob and Wade laugh] Mark: Fuck ALL of you. Wade: Wheeee…AH NO!
Jack: Oh, mother of fucking Jesus!
Bob: Oh, sweet Jesus! Bob: Oh God!
Jack: Oh, COME ON!
Mark: What the HELL?
Wade: Oh, bouncy-bouncy sucky-sucky! Jack: That’s a…
Bob: What the fuck?
Mark: This is impossible! Mark: How the fuck? Jack: What the fucking Jesus!?
Bob: Woah, Mark, get off of me!
Wade: Okay…so… Jack: Yes!
Wade: Here’s what I did: I gave it about three bars, and before I got to the uh- arrow that launches you, I jumped myself- Wade: …landed on the ground, and it bounced me here…
Mark: OH, THERE’S BARS?!?! *faceplam*(Mark noo) [Mark’s breakdown] (Mark realises something) OHHHHHH THERE’S A MEASUREMENT FOR POWER?!?!!! WHY DIDN’T YOU GUYS TELL ME THAT?!?!
[Jack] It’s at the bottom of the screen…
[Wade] YOU DIDN’T NOTICE THAT?!?! Mark: I WAS—- MY MIC WAS ON THE WAY OF IT! (It’s probably broken now because of your rage Bumbum) [Bob and Wade laugh]
Mark: I’VE BEEN LOOKING AT THE WHITE BAR ON THE BOTTOM OF THE FUCKING SCREEN!? Mark: I’VE BEEN TRYING TO USE THE SQUARE GRIDS ON THE GROUND AS, LIKE, A MEASUREMENT! Mark: I DIDN’T KNOW YOU COULD FUCKING DO THAT! [Laughter] [Mark] OH. MY. GOD. [Mark] WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!
[Everybody else] We thought you (fucking) knew! [Mark] – OH MY GOD.
[Wade] – We went over it! [Mark] Are you kidding me?!
[Jack] So when you still fail, what else are you going to blame? [Mark] – WELL, YOU DIDN’T *TELL* ME! [Jack] IT’S FUCKIN’ PLAINLY OBVIOUS! [Mark] – IT’S NOHAHAOOT! [Mark] – I’ve been using the white bar, that you extend… [Jack] Well that’s all *I’ve* been using!! [Mark] What the fuck!
[Jack] I just use the white bar to
extend as well! I don’t look at the power bar.
[Wade] Oh my God… [Mark] But I didn’t know that there was a power meter that you…
[Wade] It was one of the first things we went over! [Mark] *No,* you *didn’t!* [Jack] Bob, you’re still doing it? *laughs* Bob: I can’t fuckin’ make it over there. [Jack] You have ta- you have ta bounce off the wall at the back.
[Wade and Mark] Oh my God… [Mark] I used like, half power and it got me there. [Mark] If I’d have known there…like, ’cause I was like, “Okay, I want like *half* power, I *guess* this is half…” [Jack] Well that’s all *I’ve* been doing.
[Wade] Yeah, there’s a bar. [Wade] Yeah, there’s a power bar.
[Mark] Oh man… [Mark] Thanks, man.
[Jack] Oh God, don’t roll off…
[Bob] Oh I’m a puck? Jack, move out of the way. Wade: Noooo…
Jack: I did — Oh, mother of Jesus!
Bob: Holy shit! Jack: What the-…It put me out of bounds for THAT?
Wade: Oh, why do I have to be a cone on THIS one!? [Wade groans]
Jack: I was on my way to the hole and it put me out of bounds.
Bob: Oh, puck! Jack: Oh God, I’m rolling. Stop rolling. Stop rolling.
Mark: Wow… Jack: Stop rolling!
Mark [laughing]: Bob, where you going? Mark: Bob, bye!
Bob: No! There’s no…no, it’s not possible! Wade: PLEEEASE! NOO!
Jack: STOP ROLLING! [Jack grunts, Wade groans]
Bob: Oh shit! Ah fack! Jack: Bob, I think-…er, Mark, I think we got fucked for this level.
Mark: Yeah. Jack: Fucking cylinder.
Mark: The, the, the…fricking cylinder.
Wade: I’m still here, too! Mark: Fuck *you*, Wade.
[Jack laughs]
Wade: Oh… Jack: Come…stop r-…
Wade: Hey guys, make sure you check your power bar. Mark: It’s okay.
Jack: I’m not…I don’t even *check* the power bar. I go by the white bar.
Bob: I can’t [unclear], and I’m right *here!* Wade: Please! Yes…Noooo! Wade: Let me on, I just want to *love* you!
Bob: Fuck! Son of a shit bitch!! Jack: [laughs] Wow.
Wade: Oh… Mark: Freaking cylinder…Oh, THANK you! Jack: That’s..going to count as…
Mark: AH-UHHH! Jack: It’s gonna count as out as well.
Mark: AAAAAH! Mark: Waaah, waah, waaaah… Bob: Goddammit. I was trying to wham the shit out of Mark ’cause I didn’t have anything *else* to do with my life. Jack: Okay, so we all ran out of strokes. That’s good.
Mark: It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine. Mark: It’s fine. It’s fine.
Wade: Yeah. Jack: We can chalk that up to bullshit. Mark: Life’s fine… Jack: I’m a cube. Bob: Where are we supposed to go? Oh, I see.
Wade: The hole’s on the right. There’s like, 3 different ways to get there. Bob: I know the *best* one. Pew…Shit! Woah!
Wade: Am I an *egg?* Oh gosh…
Jack: Oh shit… Bob: Shit, whoa! Bob: Well, now I have a good way to get there. Maybe.
Jack: I love the fuckin’ cheery music in the background — Woah, Mark! Mark: Thank you.
Bob: Oh! Ho! Hey! Mark: Hey, I got par!
Jack: No, no no, no, no…okay. [Wade makes desperate panting sounds]
Mark: [groaning] Okay…I got par. Jack: Bogey.
Bob: Egg…egg, egg, egg… Wade: EGG!!! [Jack laughs] Jack: Jumping with the egg is *not* a good idea.
Bob: Egg, egg, egg…fuck you, egg. Bob: Fucking egg.
Jack: You’re gonna go everywhere with that shit. Wade: Hey, Jack’s winning.
Bob: Woo… Bob: God damn.
Mark: Oh man… Jack: At what fuckin’ cost, though? Wade: You have to go in the water here. Jack: I’m a regular ball.
Bob: Do *any* of us really *win?* Bob: What the shit? Wade: Oh, I’m a cone *again?* Oh God!
Mark: Oh, I’m an isosphere. Mark: I’m an isosphere.
Jack: Come on! Bob: Guys, I broke the game. Help me. I’m on a bouncing mission right now. Come on, egg. Come on, egg. [Wade grunts]
Bob: Yeah, that’s it, egg. Bob: That’s the stuff. Yeah, there you go, right up against the tree…yeah, *now* we’re doing it.
Jack: Here we go. Here we go. Bob: Thaaat’s…
Wade: Oh, Jack got a regular ball again? This is baloney! Bob: Fuuck!
Jack: Do you think it’s fucking helping me? [to Mark] Hi! [laughs] Mark: Jesus. I…you’re lucky I jumped *over* you. I can’t stop bouncing! I’m trying to click.
Bob: How the fuck are you supposed to [unclear] the water? Mark: Oooh. I’m an isosphere, so… Bob: Shit! Jack: Aaaaaaaaaaand…
Mark: Are you *kidding* me? Mark: Are you KID-DING MEE??
[Wade and Jack laugh] Mark: Ohh…
Bob: Water…water…water, let’s be friends. Water…Water-water-water…
Wade [laughing]: Bob’s still in the water… Jack: Jump! Jump, Bob, jump! Bob: I’m only on my third stroke. I was just jumping for a long time.
Wade: You were supposed to jump out of the water back there. Bob: No, I’m fine without jumping, thank you. Jack: Heh, yeah. He’s an egg. He’s fucked. [laughs] Bob: WOO! Get fucked! Mark: Woah!
Wade: What??
Jack: Woah! Holy shit! Jack: Bob got the goodness! [Bob] What? That was a stroke! Hup! No no no no no no…
[Jack laughs] Bob: Guuh…Woah! Hey, I did it. [Jack] Damn!
[Mark] Yay. That was good, Bob. That was good, Bob. Bob: Thanks, man!
Wade: It’s like there’s 2 different games going on, there’s the…there’s the Bob and Mark game and the Jack and me game! Jack: Wait where am I? Bob: Are we *jacking* you, Wade?
Wade: Yeah. Jack: I’m a fuckin’ puck!
Bob: Oh, I’m an isosphere. Now I get to know Mark’s agony.
[Wade makes car noises] Wade: No…stop!
[Mark laughs] Jack: Heh-heh-heh…yeah.
Wade: The isosphere sucks. I hate the isosphere.
Bob: Wooo! Mark: Woah…
Bob: Isosphere, why you do tha-…Oh hey! Hey, Jack. Jack: Aw, fuck!
[Bob laughs]
Wade: Come on… [Wade grunts]
Jack: Yeah! About fuckin’ time. Bob: All right, here we go. Here we go, isosphere, you can’t fuck me up on this one.
Jack: Aw, no no no! Bob: Hup! Oh God…aw.
Wade: OHH NOOO!
Mark: Wow. Okay… Jack: Aw, Bob! Bob: Hey, Jack. Mark: Wow, okay.
Bob: What’s up, friend?
Wade: Stop…please! Mark: What the fuck!?
Bob: No, no, no, why? Why? Why!?
Jack: I have one stroke left. Wade: WHY would you go over THERE!? Bob: All right. Well, I’m just gonna whang the shit out of this wall and see what happens. That was a good stroke, Jack. Jack and Bob: Wade, did you get it in? Bob: What the fuck?
Wade: I did on the last shot I had as a cube. Jack: Oh God, I’m a cone… Wade: The cube’s beneficial sometimes, ’cause it can stop on a hill. Jack: Aw, fuck me!
Mark: I don’t know…
Bob: Hooo…Oh God…Oh God! Cube! Cube, bounce a little bit…oh fuck. Jack: There we go — fuck! Jack: Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up!
Bob: Oh, cube! Now’s your time!
Wade: EXCUSE ME, BOB!
[Mark screams] Jack: GET UP! [screams] Bob: Oh, cube, now’s the time to shine! Cube…you were born for this!
Mark: YES! I got an eagle! Jack: Yes! Birdie! Fuck yeah!
Mark: Oh my God…[fake cries] Bob: Oh come on, come on…Cube, come on. Come on, baby.
Jack: Mark, did you get an eagle? Mark [worn out]: I got an eagle. Jack: I got a birdie. We should be bird buddies.
Bob: Cube…Cube, where are you going? Fuck. [Bob makes blowing sounds] Mark: Bob…
Jack [laughing]: Bob, are you blowing it?
Bob: Fuck! Shit… [Bob makes another blowing sound, Mark and Jack laugh]
Bob: I don’t *know!* I just *don’t!* Wade: Pleeeease!
Jack: I don’t *know,* man! Bob: I’m gonna tap-tap… Jack: And then jump over?
Bob: And then I’m gonna slaaam dunk! Jack: SLAAAAAMIN’! Bob: Aw, shit. Fuck.
[Wade makes desperate noises] Wade: Bob you still have 6 strokes and
only, like, 30 seconds to use them. Bob: Whatever. I’m — It’s not like I’m going to get in! [Jack laughs] Bob: Wooo! Hup! Oh, stuck the landing! Jack: Nice…
Wade: Nice job, Bob. Bob: Fuck you, cube!
[Wade snickers] Bob: Fuck YOU, cube!! [everyone but Bob laughs]
Bob: WHY!?
Wade: What the…? Bob: FUCK, CUBE! Jack: Niiiice! I think that means Mark didn’t lose now. Wade: Wooo! You got this, Bob!
Jack: If…*unless* you can get it in. Unless you can get it in, I think. Wade: You have 4 seconds, Bob! Wade: Ne-…okay. [laughs]
[Mark and Jack laugh]
Bob: Yeah, I’m not gonna win. Mark: Yay, I’m not in last! Jack: Yay, Wade didn’t win! Mark: Oh. Do we gotta get in the mouth? Jack: There’s MORE?
Bob: Oh, I thought that was the last hole. Wade: No, there’s 4 holes left. After this, there’s 5 holes left. Jack: Oh. I thought–
Wade: Hit Tab. Bob: Jack, you’re an idiot. Jack: Yeah, I am.
Wade: Wow… Jack: What the fuck…I’m in a different hole right now!
Bob: You…you ruined *everything* for me, Jack. Mark: Wooooah…the fuuuuck…where am I going?
[Bob laughs] Bob: Oh my God.
Wade: Wheee…
Jack: Are we going over there to the left?
Mark: I don’t know where the fuck we’re going… Wade: We’re going left. Mark: Wow…
Jack: So can I just, like, WHOOSH! Fuck. Bob: Oh, yeah, wait…no, I got an idea. I got an idea. Jack: Jesus Christ — Oh! Oh! Land! Land! Stay! Stay! You fuckin’ ball…
Mark: Uh-oh… Bob: Huyup! Jack: Oh, you fucking hit me!
Mark: Oh my God…Oh my God, oh my God, I made it over here. Mark: Holy shit.
Bob: Aw, shit. Jack: Where are we *going?*
Mark: Oh shit, that’s not good… Mark: That’s the opposite of good… Jack: Are we going into that little platform there? Bob: Wait, did that *work?*
Mark: I think we’re going into the pyramid. Wade: Uh, almost but not really. Jack: Aw, fuck you, Sphinx! Wade: 8 SECONDS!
Mark: Holy shit. Bob: Uh, yeah I don’t think we’re gonna get in there.
Jack: I ran out of strokes. [Wade groans]
Mark: Goddammit. Dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit…I was close.
Bob: Jesus. [Mark sighs]
Jack: That was rough. Jack: Even on *normal* golf, that would have been tough.
Mark: Oh, we’re in here. Bob: Oh, this one is a fucking nightmare. Jack: What…? Oh, why egg?
Bob [gasps]: Oh! Stop! Cube! Bob: Chill! Chill! Chill, cube! Ugh…
Jack: Egg has no chill. Bob: Wade, no! Nooo! Jack: Did he get it in? Bob: He’s like, right by the hole.
Wade: Yeah! Mark: Aw, man…
Jack: No! I didn’t mean to fucking jump! You’re still bouncing? Wade: I got a couple of lucky bounces there.
Mark: Oh, cone…
[Bob makes desperate moaning noises]
Bob: Hey…I’m here. Mark: Oh geez…
Bob: Jack, where ya at, Jack?
Mark: How am I gonna do that? How…how? Bob: I’m more likely to win 27 cents than to actually get us in the hole, even though I’m right here.
[Wade and Jack laugh] Jack: Go! Go! Fuuuck!
Bob: Hey, Jack. Oh my gosh… Bob: Oh, bye, Mark. [laughs]
Mark: Oh, come on! All right, all right…
Wade: Sorry, Jack. I didn’t mean to EGG you on! [Jack fake-laughs] Bob: Oh! Jack! You’re a wizard! Jack: Yesss…I fuckin’ am. Bob: All right, Jack. It’s you and me, bro.
[Wade laughs] Bob: Come here, bro…
Jack: That counted as a *stroke?* Bob: Come HERE, Jack! Bob: Hey, buddy.
Jack: Hi. Bob: WHEEE! Wade: You MISSED, Bob! [laughs]
[Mark laughs]
Jack: See you later! [laughs] Bob: I’m a fucking *cube!* What am *I* gonna do about it? Jack: Oh, still 4 shots ahead of you, Wade. Wade: I *know,* ’cause Bob *missed!* Bob: I tried. you should offer me money.
Wade: I have a secret, Bob… [Jack laughs]
Wade [laughing]: I didn’t actually have 27 cents. Jack: Am I a ball?
Bob: What the fuck am *I* supposed to do? Bob: Oh hey…Oh! That bounced me in! It, it — wha bluh! Jack: Where even *is* the thing?
Bob: Wooo!
Mark: Woooah, that ain’t good. Jack: [laughs] Where *is* it? Bob: Cylinder, stop! Stop…
Wade: I tried to knock all you guys a lot of the way at the start. Didn’t work. Bob: Cylinder, stop…Stop…
Mark: Woah, woah, woah…
Jack: Stay in. Stay in. Yes. Wade: Ugh…No! Don’t let Jack get in!
Mark: No! You… Mark: Oh, come on! I was onn theeere! [fake-cries] Bob: Hey, Mark. I found your front [unclear]
Wade: Nooooo! Mark: [unclear] on there AGAIN! It TWICED me! It TWICED me!
[Bob laughs]
Jack: Fuck! Wade: Bounce! Bounce, you…BITCH! Jack: Here we go. Here we go. All the way in, baby…all the way in. Go in! Jack: Go in!
Wade: Stop him! Jack: Go i-…Oh, fuck! I got a bogey. Wade: You got in!?
Jack: I got a bogey up my nose! Bob: Americans don’t know what that means.
Jack: Heh — Get in one of the pots, Mark.
Wade: THAT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE A *STROKE!* Bob: Pew!
Mark: Oh geez, oh geez, oh geez, oh geez…Okay, okay, okay, okay…
Jack: Oh, nice! Wade: Guys! Come get me! Jack: Fuck you, Wade. I’m gonna keep Wade out of the hole.
Mark: No thank you.
Wade: Pick me up! Bob: Jack, I’m comin’. Mark: ‘Kay…
Jack: Thanks. Look at the hole. The hole’s
all green and glowey. Bob: It’s a Jack-hole.
Jack: Neh-hah-hah. Mark: Oh geez, oh geez, oh
geez, oh geez, oh geez… Jack: You’re like little marshmallows. Wade: Nooo!
Jack: Yeah! See you later!
Mark: Fuckin’ criminy… Bob: Oh, hey Mark. Why…why you do this? Mark: No…no, I didn’t jump! I didn’t jump! I didn’t jump! I DIDN’T JUMP!
Bob: Oh shit…oh, the jumping…
Wade: Bob, Bob, Bob! Come pick me up! Come pick me up from school! Jack: Wade was…Wade…
Mark: Oh fuck!
Wade: Come pick me up! Come pick me up! Jack: Last stroke, Mark.
Wade: COME PICK ME UP!
Bob: Wade… Jack: Nice!
Bob: I’m not gonna help you, Wade. Jack: Bob, do you should have a stroke left? [Mark sighs]
Bob: Eh…
Jack: Awwww… [Wade groans]
Jack: Wade, just give it up. Bob: You’re so fucked, Wade. Welcome to the losers.
Mark: Wow…I *hate* this game. Mark: I *hate* this game.
Bob: Woo! Jack: Mark. you’re a ba-…you’re an isosphere now. We’re all cubes. [laughs] Mark: Greeeeat. [Wade makes a creaky groaning noise]
Jack: Oh God…stay…stay…stay!
Bob: It’s gonna work…It’s gonna work… Jack: Stay! Stay! Where even *am* I?
Mark: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh…oh! Jack: Hi, Bob. [laughs]
Bob: Oh, it *worked!* Did you see that shit? Bob: Hey, Jack! You did it too! Jack: Oh, if I can just stay here, please…
Bob: Hup! Bob: Hey guys…Oh my God, I almost slam-dunked it!
Mark: Ah, fuckin’ isosphere… Mark: Goddamnit… there we go. Good Lord. [Mark groans]
Bob: Hey, Jack, what are the odds you can get in here *now,* Jack? Jack: AAAAAH!
[Mark laughs] Bob: Hey, friend! Bob: PEW — What!?
[everyone laughs] Bob: I was…I was full power at Jack and it like, sucked me into the hole.
Mark: Woah, all 5? God damn! Jack: Nice!
Wade: A CONE!? Jack: Yeah.
Mark: Oh, Jack, we’re regular balls!
Bob: Oh, I’m a cone too. Oh great. Bob: THAT’S awesome.
Jack: Well, yeah, we are, but..uh…where? Wade: To the right…don’t go left. Jack: Oh Jesus fucking Christ. come on oh no
whoa whoa whoa wasn’t a life why don’t Bob: Cone…Cone…Cone…
Mark: Woah, woah, woah, woah…
Jack: Oh nooo, this is bad. Bob: Cone, for once in your life…Cone, think about…think about what we could have.
Mark: Woah, woah, woah, what the fuck? Oh my God. Wade: Sex!! We could have it all!
Mark: Oh my God, oh my God…NO! No, I was right there! Nooo! Bob: Wooo! Oh, oh, oh…
Mark: Oh fuck off!
Jack: Mark, I’m trying to see where you’re going. Bob: Cone…cone, cone, cone…cone, why?
Mark: Oh, fuck off. Don’t watch me.
I had it on the first stroke… Mark: I was always almost on the green, and then it…[sighs]
Jack [laughing]: I saw.
Bob: Of all…of all the things that you could be doing with your life, cone… Jack: Bob, you’re running out of time on that —
Wade: WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME, SATAN!? Bob [laughing]: “Where are the other drugs going?”
[Jack laughs] Mark: Where are the other balls going? Jack: The one time me and Mark get normal balls and it’s a fuckin’ level like this.
Bob: Oh Jesus Christ… Jack: I’m going this way. What’s over here?
Bob: Woo! Mark: Okay.
Bob: Oh! Oh! Stick the landing! all is that Wade: Oh, I thought the hole was — NOOOoooo babyyyy… [Bob laughs]
Jack: This is *much* better! You actually get saved over here…oh wait. No, it’s not. Bob: No, it’s not.
Jack: Oh, I’m fucked… I’m fucked now. Bob: That sounds more like what it’s…Aw, shit! Wade: Mark! [Wade groans]
Bob: This level fucking sucks. This is a fucking prison on bullshit planet.
Jack: Yeah, it does — oh! Jack: There’s a fuckin’ area up here!
Bob: Woo! Wade: I never go that way.
Bob: Oh my God…Oh my God, I touched the green where the hole is! Guys, I touched the hole! Jack: Oh hey, look. We all suck. Mark: I almost had that. Subscribe to caption authors [Jack] Why did you get 9 and we got 12? [Wade] Because he made it in.
[Mark] I made it in! [Jack] Oh, oh. I didn’t know that! [laughs] [Mark] [laughs] Thank you!

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