Hey Ronnie, I’m upstairs.
I’m making sandwiches. Are you hungry? How’s the mall? What is that? What? That, what is that? Oh — — I bought some kids candy. No, not the candy.
That. The blue thing on your body. Is that a Tom Brady Jersey? Yeah — isn’t it cool? No, no, Ronnie that is not cool. Our team is the Philadelphia Eagles. But Dad, the Eagles suck. They do not suck! They are IN the Super Bowl. But, they’ve never… won a Super Bowl. Because they’re cursed, …and it doesn’t help when legacy fans like you abandon them in their time of need. But why wouldn’t I cheer for a good team? You don’t choose a team, Ronnie. The team chooses you. Okay? It’s in the fabric of who you are. Every loss. Every choke. 1988. The Fog Bowl. Randall Cunningham, the ultimate weapon. He can run, he can throw — everything. Right before half-time… …fog rolls in over Lake Michigan. How do you throw to receivers when you can’t see more than a foot in front of you? Game over. Chicago wins. But wouldn’t the fog have also affected Chicago? 2002. NFC championship. Last game at the Vet. We are playing the Bucs — this is a warm weather team, they have literally never won in cold weather. We cannot lose. But guess what? They lose. Super Bowl 39. Eagles Patriots. We have Donovan McNabb playing quarterback. He is fat! Out of shape! I thought you loved McNabb? I do!
He’s the greatest! He is so out of shape — –he’s literally puking in the huddle. And you know who else is in the huddle? The frigging Patriots. Because they’re cheating! But Dad!
Boston is so cool. It’s like the second most important
city in America. IT IS NOT! It is a MINOR city of MINOR significance! They think they are so important–
with the Freedom Trail! And “The Redcoats are coming!” And all of the “NEHHH!”
With the Patriots! Everybody thinks that
the country was founded in Boston! IT WAS FOUNDED IN PHILADELPHIA! Declaration of Independence. The Liberty Bell.
Second Continental Congress. Rocky! That is all Philly! But Dad, that doesn’t matter. The Patriots have never sucked in my lifetime. They always win. Exactly!
They always win! Ronnie, you like chocolate ice cream
right? What if you had to eat it every day? You would get sick of it!
It would be horrible! You have to eat the bad food in order to appreciate the good food! ‘Cause then when you finally get chocolate ice cream, after eating shit for 58 years– –it is the best goddamn ice cream– you’ve ever tasted. And I wanted to share it with you, but you’ve ruined that. Dad. We can still eat ice cream together. It doesn’t matter which team wins. THERE IS NO ICE CREAM, RONNIE! THIS IS A SPORTS METAPHOR, RONNIE! –who was named after Eagles legend Ron Jaworski. and you know what —
next time we go to Philly to visit grandma, –you’re not getting to go to Jim’s Steaks. You’re getting Steam-Umms. I don’t even like cheesesteaks. They’re kind of greasy. You are not my son.