George Carlin on the Tonight Show


[ APPLAUSE ] [ MUSIC ] [ APPLAUSE ]>>THANK YOU. HOW ARE YOU DOING? ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WHILE I WAS DRIVING OVER HERE I PASSED A RESTAURANT. HAD A SIGN THAT SAID “FRESH FISH” AND WE DON’T THINK ABOUT THAT. WE USED TO GO RIGHT IN. FRESH FISH. WOULD YOU GO IN A RESTAURANT THAT SAID, “FRESH MEAT.” [ LAUGHTER ] THAT’S ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT’S NOT INTENDED TO BE FUNNY. [ LAUGHTER ] I ALWAYS LIKE TO START WITH THEM. JOHNNY KNOWS THAT. [ LAUGHTER ] TONIGHT. WELL, SURE. YOU BUY A FISH SANDWICH. YOU WOULD NOT BUY SOMETHING LABELED A MEAT SANDWICH. LET’S FACE IT. ALL RIGHT. THIS-TWICE NOW. [ LAUGHTER ] OKAY. I’D JUST LIKE TO FOLLOW UP. [ LAUGHTER ] I HAVE A SHORT LIST OF PEOPLE I CAN DO WITHOUT. I THINK EVERYONE HAS A LIST, AND HAD PEOPLE THEY CAN DO WITHOUT. THIS IS MY LIST. GUYS IN THEIR FIFTIES NAMED SKIP. [ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ] A PROCTOLOGIST WITH POOR DEPTH PERCEPTION. [ LAUGHTER ] A PIMP WHO DRIVES A TOYOTA COROLLA. [ LAUGHTER ] ANY WOMAN WHOSE HOBBY IS BREAST FEEDING ZOO ANIMALS. [ LAUGHTER ] A MAN WITH ONLY ONE LIP. [ LAUGHTER ] ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS THE THIRD VERSE TO THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER. [ LAUGHTER ] ANY LAWYER WHO REFERS TO POLICE AS THE FEDERALES. [ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ] A CROSS EYED NUN WITH A BULLWHIP AND A BOTTLE OF GIN. [ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ] A BRAIN SURGEON WITH BORN TO LOSE TATTOOED ON HIS HANDS. [ LAUGHTER ] COUPLES WHOSE CHILDREN’S NAMES ALL START WITH THE SAME INITIAL. [ APPLAUSE ] A MAN IN A HOSPITAL GOWN DIRECTING TRAFFIC. [ LAUGHTER ] PEOPLE WHO HAVE LARGE GUMS, AND SMALL TEETH. [ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ] AND ANY WOMAN WHOSE ARM HAIR COMPLETELY COVERS HER WRIST WATCH. [ LAUGHTER ] ALL RIGHT. NOW. BASEBALL IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER SPORT. ABSOLUTELY UNLIKE ANY OTHER SPORT. MOST SPORTS YOU SCORE POINTS. BASEBALL YOU SCORE RUNS. IN MOST SPORTS THE BALL IS PUT IN PLAY BY THE OFFENSIVE TEAM. IN BASEBALL THE BALL IS PUT INTO PLAY BY THE DEFENSIVE TEAM, AND IN FACT ONLY THE DEFENSIVE TEAM IS ALLOWED TO TOUCH THE BALL. IN BASEBALL IF THE OFFENSIVE PLAYER TOUCHES THE BALL INTENTIONALLY HE’S OUT. MOST SPORTS RUN BY A COACH. BASEBALL RUN BY A MANAGER, AND MOST OTHER SPORTS THE MANAGER OR COACH WEARS HIS OWN CLOTHES. IN BASEBALL THEY WEAR THE SAME CLOTHES AS THE PLAYERS. CAN YOU PICTURE TOM LANDRY WEARING A DALLAS COWBOYS FOOTBALL UNIFORM? [ LAUGHTER ] NOW, BASEBALL AND FOOTBALL ARE-BASEBALL AND FOOTBALL ARE MUCH DIFFERENT IN MANY OTHER RESPECTS. LET ME DESCRIBE THEM. FIRST OF ALL, BASEBALL IS A 19th CENTURY PASTORAL GAME. FOOTBALL IS A 20th CENTURY TECHNOLOGICAL STRUGGLE. [ LAUGHTER ] BASEBALL IS PLAYED IN A PARK. THE BASEBALL PARK. FOOTBALL IS PLAYED IN A STADIUM SOMETIMES CALLED SOLDIER FIELD, OR WAR MEMORIAL STADIUM. [ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ] IN FOOTBALL YOU WEAR A HELMET. IN BASEBALL YOU WEAR A CAP. [ LAUGHTER ] FOOTBALL IS CONCERNED WITH DOWNS. WHAT DOWN IS IT? BASEBALL IS CONCERNED WITH UPS. WHO’S UP? ARE YOU UP? I’M NOT UP. [ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ] IN FOOTBALL THEY HAVE A KICKING SPECIALIST. IN BASEBALL THEY HAVE A PINCH HITTER. [ LAUGHTER ] IN FOOTBALL-IN FOOTBALL YOU RECEIVE A PENALTY. IN BASEBALL YOU MAKE AN ERROR. WHOOPS. [ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ] FOOTBALL HAS HITTING, CLIPPING, SPEARING, PILING ON, PERSONAL FOULS, LATE HITTING, AND UNNECESSARY ROUGHNESS. BASEBALL HAS THE SACRIFICE. [ LAUGHTER ] FOOTBALL IS PLAYED IN ANY WEATHER. RAIN, SLEET, SNOW, HAIL, MUD ON THE FIELD. CAN’T READ THE UNIFORM NUMBERS. CAN’T READ THE YARD MARKERS. THE STRUGGLE WILL CONTINUE. IN BASEBALL IF IT RAINS WE DON’T GO OUT TO PLAY. [ LAUGHTER ] I CAN’T COME OUT TO PLAY. [ APPLAUSE ] BASEBALL HAS THE 7th INNING STRETCH. FOOTBALL HAS THE TWO MINUTE WARNING. [ LAUGHTER ] BASEBALL HAS NO TIME LIMIT. WE DON’T KNOW WHEN IT’S GOING TO END. WE MIGHT HAVE EXTRA INNINGS. FOOTBALL IS RIGIDLY TIMED, AND IT WILL END EVEN IF WE HAVE TO GO TO SUDDEN DEATH. [ LAUGHTER ] IN BASEBALL DURING THE GAME IN THE STANDS THERE’S KIND OF A PICNIC FEELING. EMOTIONS MAY RUN HIGH OR LOW, BUT THERE’S NOT THAT MUCH UNPLEASANTNESS. IN FOOTBALL IN THE STANDS DURING THE GAME YOU CAN BE SURE THAT AT LEAST 27 TIMES YOU ARE PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF TAKING THE LIFE OF A FELLOW HUMAN BEING. [ LAUGHTER ] PREFERABLY A STRANGER. [ LAUGHTER ] AND FINALLY THE OBJECTIVES OF THE TWO GAMES ARE TOTALLY DIFFERENT. IN BASEBALL THE OBJECT IS TO GO HOME, AND TO BE SAFE. [ LAUGHTER ] I’M GOING HOME. I HOPE I’LL BE SAFE AT HOME. [ LAUGHTER ] IN FOOTBALL THE OBJECT IS FOR THE QUARTERBACK OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE FIELD GENERAL TO BE ON TARGET WITH HIS AERIAL ASSAULT BY RIDDLING THE DEFENSE WHILE HE’S HITTING HIS RECEIVERS WITH DEADLY ACCURACY IN SPITE OF THE BLITZ EVEN IF HE HAS TO GO TO THE SHOTGUN. WITH SHORT BULLET PASSES, AND LONG BOMBS HE MARCHES HIS TROOPS INTO ENEMY TERRITORY BALANCING HIS AERIAL ASSAULT WITH SUSTAINED GROUND ATTACK THAT PUNCHES HOLES IN THE FORWARD WALL OF THE ENEMY’S DEFENSIVE LINE. BOOM. [ APPLAUSE ] [ MUSIC ]

100 thoughts on “George Carlin on the Tonight Show

  1. Carlin is a legend , no doubt about it. But he kinda seems a little outdated at this point, while looking at his old videos like this. I saw him live at Nutter center in Dayton OH and he hadn't really come up with any new material within the past 10 years other than a serious (non-comical) political rant, wherein several people started leaving the venue. They weren't leaving because they were offended, but more likely because the comedy was over and the pissed off political rant began. It was kinda depressing

  2. Johnny is dying at 0:45. Its hilarious, how he cackles.
    Totally makes the video.
    Carlin, is just absurd as per usual.

  3. Boy, don't you love those sneaky commercials at the end of the clip.  Nobody watches, but they usually run, and they get to collect ad fees for stuff nobody watches.  Very like at TV news show that says "we'll be right back."  Five minutes later they come back and say "thanks for watching" (then more commercials).

  4. This must have been one of the earliest performances of this material. Every other recording of this goes with the football general first then ends with being safe at home for baseball. Interesting to see him actually developing the joke. Carlin will always be the greatest in my book.

  5. DEAR YOUTUBE: YOUR RECENT PROGRAM SLANT, TOWARD BRITISH COMEDY (+ GEO. CARLIN) (-BENNY HILL). HAS CREATED A STIR IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD. EV'BODY SEES A DEFINITE IMPROVEMENT OVER YOUR USUAL POPULAR FARE, AKA CRAP. WE HAVE EVEN VOTED TO BE INCLUDED IN THE UK TV TAX CONTRIBUTION.
    PLEASE ADDRESS TAX INVOICES TO
    ME
    2ND PINK HOUSE ON THE LEFT
    AFTER THE 6-ROOTED BANYAN TREE
    TONGA, 10003

  6. when i was 6 years old, my parents used to listen to carlin's album 'take offs and put ons.' it was completely clean and all i knew was that my parents laughed their asses off to 'wonderful wino,' 'the indian sergeant,' and more. it took a few years, but thanks to HBO, well, you know….
    how could i have known that george carlin would become my religion?
    i saw him perform live twice and cherish those memories…. he is so far beyond funny, i wonder what he'd have to say THESE days???

  7. The way George navigates the two bombs at the beginning is really some calm, cool professionalism right before your eyes. I woulda crushed like a neutron star from the global pressure that was any given night, being on the Tonight Show.
    Hats off to the master of standup and rest in peace where most masters of any profession have already taken refuge.
    Now, we all seem to be wallowing in mediocrity…expert is everyone and means anything, and instead of hard work and discipline, better is beholden to smartphone apps and wannabe celebrityhood.

  8. 😭😭😭 I’ve reached Carlinception. I’ve seen almost all of his content in YouTube, now Anything I’ve run into I’ve heard already. Why did Joe Pesci had to take our Lord and Savior George Carlin?

  9. Always surprising how unfunny comedy used to be. This guy is pathetic. “In baseball, they wear a cap.” That’s a joke?

  10. I think Latins take baseball way more seriously. I saw men get into a brawl after a little kid baseball game once.

  11. He’s was always good at not having a microphone in his hand! I think it’s because they wouldn’t let you have one back in the day when you would do late night show.

  12. What year is this clip from — early 80's? He's doing his more family friendly material from 1975
    album: "An Evening with Wally Londo Featuring Bill Slaszo."

  13. This is a look you rarely see for George. Didn't last long. Much nicer to see him in his long sleeve black shirt and black pants. Bright purple top hat and green and orange clown shoes optional.

  14. US football has pathetic gay pads and helmets and about 10 seconds fat men running into each other… then 3 hours standing around doing fuck all. US football does not involve any skill.

  15. He'd have a ball today…maybe ? IF EVER I WIN THE BIG LOTTERY I WOULD LOVE TO GET GEORGE CARLIN ON BROADWAY…YEAH THAT WOULD MY VISION ! CARLIN ON BROADWAY WE WOULD DEFINITELY HAVE ENOUGH MATERIAL A FINE SHOW AS HE'D SAY ….

  16. Right before he shed the suit and tie. This is right between the mainstream and provocative Carlin eras. The fact that his career is so expansive says something in and of itself about George's career and lasting impact. Like Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor and so many others there will only be one.

  17. Actually.. a Cross Eyed Nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of Gin sounds very Sexy! At what local Catholic Church can I find one? – That's a good enough reason to switch religions!

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