Don’t Buy a Jetta on Facebook – The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder

We got a packed house today. Packed house, film crew,
Becky Rodriguez. Rodriguez? Isabella, Christine, DJ Lou. Becky Rodriguez, want me
to take photo of you? I like to piss on my camera
to make sure it grips. I like to piss on my hand
to make sure I don’t get- The grip on the camera. I get a grip on the camera, I don’t drop the camera
in the agua. I don’t drop the camera
in the soda pop, I don’t drop the camera- Or, the Gatorade. The Gatorade. Or, the Gatorade,
or the Jarritos. I love Jarritos. It’s garbage. What?
It’s made for assholes. What the fuck
are you talking about? I don’t know. You touched a hard line
that you drink it. I didn’t say anything bad
about it. I said I liked it,
then you had to be a dick. Yeah, but you came like,
“I liked it.” Like you, “Hey, so what
your mouth from here on out. I like it so watch your mouth
and when you’re-” So hey, that’s a family
fucking friend. We were all laughing,
I said, “Jarritos,” and you went,
“Fuck you say?” It’s The Bonfire, Comedy
Central Radio, SiriusXM 95. Cory, you do whatever
you got to do. Cory, you’re a good man though. You do what you have to do,
I understand. Just making that move of turning
on the lights a little bit. I’ll work with whatever you guys
need me to work with. Thank you. Mic condoms,
so don’t pop my pees. Hell yeah.
I’m Big Jay Oakerson. And that handsome son of a bitch
with much more depth than just looks is Dan
Soder. Thank you, Jay. Jacob’s doing a weird thing
on the wall over there. What the hell is that? Were you trying to be a bad boy,
and hang against the wall? Trying to Mel Gibson
your shoulder back into place? Oh, were you
Lethal Weapon-ing it? I was trying. Wait, did you pop
your shoulder out? No. I was just trying to … What were you doing? You want me to do the thing
where you link arms, and I bend over,
and you go up on my back? That’d be awesome. No, I’m good.
I’m not going to try that. Do you want me
to walk on your back? Do you want Dan
to walk on your back? I just found out I’m stepping
on the scales at 220, so I’ll re-correct. Christine, how good
are my back cracks? Great. World class.
Learned from a licensed person. Dude, what if you broke Jacob?
Then he’s like [inaudible 00:01:55]. Then we gotta
just haul his body. I learned from
a licensed person. I could do it good. Who? What kind of license? My ex mother-in-law. Okay. Yeah, look what she does. She does realignments? Yeah, all right?
Isabella’s here, right? That’s what she does.
I don’t know if it works. I wasn’t asking you to get
on the microphone there, you glory hound.
You could just nod. You’re the opposite
of a stage mom. You’re like, “You stay off
the mic. Mama’s on the mic.” She’s a licensed massage
therapist, right? Yeah. Okay, so she did teach you? How many times in her life was she definitely
approached with the- Oh, for a handy? Yeah, “So thanks
of the massage.” Now … You flop your towel off
and you go … Female masseuses have to
probably see so much hard dick that they don’t want to see. I know, like, “I’m trying
to help you heal.” “Sir, you have a shoulder tear. Stop putting your hand
on your lap.” Oh, I have shoulder tear. I’ve been looking at it
a little bit. I was wondering if you could
tear something else up. Just look at it a little bit. Yeah. Look at it. Yeah. You looking at it? It’s moving. Dude, then that’s
just their shift. That’s like the coal
mining for women. There’s so- Okay, time to go. All right, please. Oh, fuck. Any accent on you
and they’re like, oh, well, you have to. Time to go, grab hot coals,
burn hands. Coming in with … who was
the baseball player that pissed on their hands
to give them callous? Who was that?
That who was that? There was a baseball player
that famously peed on his hands to callous them. Really?
For holding the bat. Does that work?
I don’t know, man. Let’s try- Pee on your hands. Why don’t you give it a shot. Oh, yeah, dude. It says
gives you the best grip ever. Maybe you should- Yeah, dude, I heard
it’s really good for radio. Yeah, I don’t know who it is. Come in, everyone’s laughing
when I go, “Dan, I’ve been peeing
on my hands.” No, that’s not him.
It’s a famous baseball player. Like a reliever from the 70s
from Boston? No, it’s … I think he’s Cuban
and he was on the expos. Fuck, that’s a- Was anybody with us
on the cruise ship that was dumb enough
that we could’ve convinced them before we go into the ocean, if you don’t want
to get pressure sickness- Yeah. That you have to drink
your own pee? Is there anybody we could’ve
got to do that? Probably- ‘Cause there’s no way
to look it up. Well, they were selling those-
We had no internet. They were selling those
bracelets that stop queasiness, which I think is just placebo. I think it’s just placebo too.
It has to be placebo. I said it, I don’t know how
[inaudible 00:04:22] People are walking around
with bands and they’re like,
“I feel good.” Yeah, John McEnroe
bands all the sudden. Yeah. One thing about John McEnroe,
never dizzy, never queasy. Never queasy.
Guy’s always on stable feet. Guy was always- That’s why he can return a serve
like a mother fucker. That guy’s on solid ground. That guy’s sending 112 miler at
you, even in windy conditions. He’s like, “I can trip myself
and still return the serve.” I never have boat
sickness trouble. And I feel- Moises Alou, that’s who it is.
He’s not a … I apologize.
Is he Cuban? No, what is he? I remember Moises.
Dominican? I remember Moises. Moises Alou used to pee
on his hands instead of having batting gloves.
Where was he born? That was in the era of me
watching baseball. He’s Dominican, all right, yeah. They’re all Dominican, Dan. There’s some Cuban. Huh? There’s some Cuban players. If you see ones that are
frustrated to be wearing shoes, they’re Dominican. Yeah, right. Thank you, black love. He revealed that during
baseball season- Why you have to keep me
so constricted? I try to play baseball. Le ball by my feet.
I try to play baseball- He says he urinates- Ask the Dominicans, the upswing. I try to play baseball
and you make me wear these shoe. I put this bag on the ball. So instead, I pee on my hands. So in protest,
I take a pees on my hand and then my hand
get rough and calloused. Moises is- Then I hold the bat better. He said the bat better. He says he sounds
like a terrible teammate. ‘Cause he used to not
only pee on his hands- He was always into high fives. Yeah, high fiving
like a son bitch. He was peeing on his own hands,
he was mega into high fives. And pranking teammates
while they were sleeping in the locker room.
He go, “High five.” You go, “No, Moises,
I’m not falling for that.” Come on, high five. High five.
What’s the big deal. I pee on my hand to give them
better grip on the bat. You want me to hold
your plate of food? I have a good grip. Hey, you want half
of my sandwich? Yeah.
I see you looking at it. I have a good grip. Go on, take the sandwich
if you can. Moises, stop peeing
on your hands. I would do it
in front of people. I could never play on a team where the guy’s
pissing on his hands. Yeah, you could
if he was hitting 365. You’d be fucking fine
with it. I’d go over to it like it was
a natural spring and be like,
give me some of that, Moises. Moises. I go this is purified
by your sweet kidneys. This is warm. Wow, man, someone had
asparagus for lunch. Yeah. You go how tough
are my hands gonna be when it’s another dude’s piss?
Are you gonna- Have you been mixing piss? Have you been mixing my piss
with another man piss? That’s dangerous. That’s dangerous game you play. Dangerous game, man. You’re dancing, you’re walking
a very tight rope. Why is this just written down.
Can I say it? ‘Cause I couldn’t remember- I love wake up. I found out after. Wake up is evil Jacob,
is the Wario for Jacob. He loves it. Wake up, that’s his
diabolical laugh with the Sebastian tickets. Oh, with curly mustache? But look at it. It’s Jacob
with a curly mustache. Someone’s gonna make an evil
Jacob online now, for sure. You have to.
Wake up the evil Jacob. Look at his evil handwriting. You can tell it’s like a …
and it says Lou’s Facebook scam. I’m so excited. Oh, it says … mine says,
Lou’s scam, Facebook chick. Okay, mine’s
Lou’s Facebook scam. Which means yet again,
fucking all thumbs over here. Dude- Old swipey swiperton- This wobbly legged gazelle. He’s getting caught
by every predator out there. I mean Jesus Christ. He is … Lou, you are out there
in the world looking for broads. I love it. I love an evil Jacob segment. Yeah, really. So evil. It’s just fucking got it
deep down in his plumbs. Lou. Do you want to explain yourself?
Or do you want us- Hang on, I’ll be
honest with you, I’ll shut up for
the next four minutes and listen to the whole song. I’ll pee on my hands.
You think I’m afraid of it? You all sits on my hands here. Hang on, let me
pull this thing out. All right, you guys,
give me some. First off. All right. Get it going.
Hang on. I’m thinking about it. Don’t look at me. I’m gonna put my hand
in my glass of water here. There it is.
Let me get some on my hands. There it is. Right there. Jacob, get in this. Jacob, you want
a little bit, Jacob? You feeling
your grip’s loose, Jacob? Get some of this
right here. Christine, tell me you
won’t have a better mouse grip. Oh, who am I kidding? You probably bathe
in this stuff. Yeah. Lou. Oh, Christine showers in it. Yeah. Christine just has an exterior
skeleton of piss from you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Day time’s for water,
evening’s for the urine. Yeah. Christine’s like a knight. Yeah, she gets
a clear shower in the day. Golden shower
in the evening. Oh, man, [Vekion 00:08:43] and I should start peeing
on each other. You know? I don’t know, this is exactly
what Peter Cetera had in mind when he penned
this song. Yeah. Men sharing pee. I don’t wanna lose you. Well, he’s worried
he’s gonna lose her because he’s presented now
that he’s into peeing. Yup. Then it starts building. And she’s not taking it, yeah. Building, building, building. She’s walking out the door,
but she’s like, “Hmm.” It’s funny, she reaches
for the door, she grabs the doorknob, and her hand slips.
Will fight for your honor. Yeah, he lets her know. Then he offers up,
he points down to his penis. Okay. And he starts a nice
thick stream. And while he’s going,
she reaches down and gets her hands in it, grabs the doorknob,
turns it on the first try, opens it, looks out,
looks back at him. Closes the door, stays. And goes and hits 350 in her
softball league that year. It’s unbelievable. ‘Cause that grip, it’s airtight. That goddamn grip. Airtight. It’s like
wearing an Easton glove. Fucking grip it, rip it. It’s like stick em.
It’s like back in the 80s. Yeah, oh, yeah. You’re just putting tar
on your bat. It’s got that tar grip
’cause of his piss. Lou, how did you get scammed? I tried to buy a Jetta
on Facebook. Oh, no, what? Also, a Jetta? Why were you buying a Jetta? Are you giving a teenage girl
a quinceañera present? I didn’t know you were
an Applebee’s hostess. Are you and your girl- You put one of those Roxy hearts
on the back of your fucking car? Are you girls going to the beach
and just dancing tonight? But just dancing, no guys. No guys.
We’re just dancing. Oh, my god. Let me guess, you gotta go smoke
one of your Newport Lights around the corner
and steam off. Are you going beach towel
shopping? Are you and your friends
gonna ride around with the top down and
wearing oversized sunglasses? You just gonna blare
your Sister Hazel? And just drive around? Hey, it’s me Lou. Me and the gals
are gonna head out. Girls day.
I mean a real girls day. No guys, put the phones away. We’re gonna eat what we want,
buy what we want. Come on.
The future is feminine. Oh, girls, promise me, let’s all
buy these best friend pendants that breaks in four ways. You bitch, those jeans
look perfect on you. We’re going
to the Teaneck Mall. Is it a little tawdry?
Sure, but you know, it’s Friday. Yeah. Lou, why did you … were you just in the market
for a car? Are you trying to buy a car? I mean I enjoy the bus a lot,
I swear to god. But- Come on, buddy. It just presented itself.
This idea. Somebody posted
on our hometown group, those of us
from the same town. Yeah. You’re in a Facebook group
from your hometown? Yeah. I’ve never heard of that either. You are too? No. You guys don’t about community? I’m on Facebook,
but I don’t go on it. But you’re on … no, no, no.
He’s on a group. No, I know. I’m not … That’s like- That’s a crazy subcategory. He’s with people
from near Teaneck. What, you don’t have a …
yeah. Exactly. Teaneck adjacent Facebook group? Am I part of groups on Facebook? I am, but that was like
the first week of Facebook. You don’t know anything. Literally, I’d say
I’ve never looked at them. I’ve never gone back- What if you found out
I was the president of a local Aurora thing? Where I’m like what’s haps
with Dan Soder? You see me doing videos. Hi, what’s up guys,
this week in Aurora at America’s Bar
and Grill on Iliff, you can get chicken wings
again for five cents. Shout out to all the alumni
from the Rusty Wolf High School that you went to. Smokey Hill. Yeah, Rusty … what did I say? Go Buffs. Rusty Hook? Smokey Hill. Rusty Wolf. Hey, man. Dude, it was right
outside the dildo bike factory. That’s my hard living. You come out of work
and then go over and help your old man build
dildo bikes til he retired. I had to help him put the cocks
on the seats. He’d hand you a- That’s like putting a star
on a Christmas tree every day. He’d hand you a wrench
in your left hand, take a hot piss
in your right hand. He said, “Son, right the bike.
Does it fit real tight?” I was a daddy’s boy. You’re loose like your mom,
you’re not a good gage. I’m trying to calibrate
this thing. I’m making it for people
who aren’t size queens. Your dad calling you
a size queen has to be one of the most
emasculating things. If I had a kid
and I got into a fight with him, if I had like a 13 year old son- Damn, son, you’re butt hole’s
chewing that thing right up. Oh, nom, nom, nom.
I’m sorry PAC-Man. Jesus Christ, what are you?
A python? What was going on?
Why were you buying a Jetta? Were you gonna drive a 14 year
old girl to get an abortion? Are you following
Dave Matthews Band on the road? Oh. Oh, it’s got good gas mileage
and a boy’s dream. Oh, the price was right,
was low mileage, it still smells like girl
in a boy’s dream. And rear and side sensors
and dual airbags. Not a chance. And a boy’s dream. Probably got roll down windows. Yeah. Facebook scam. What did it say?
What year was it, Lou? 2008. Your 2008 Jetta. It’s 11 years old. So you see it in a group. And somebody posted, “This is for my sister,
she doesn’t have Facebook. Give her an email.”
Which I did. She said, you gotta
buy it off of eBay if you want it off from me. You can only pay
in eBay gift cards. That’s weird.
That’s suspect as shit. Well, the whole thing
was just a gay check to see what guys were gonna
respond to buy the Jetta. Also, you gotta go on Amazon and
pick your favorite lip gloss. He’s like, it was a whole thing
I had to do. Then I had to go say
my favorite pattern of dress. I had to- My favorite bracelet link. I had to email her a seductive
dance video of me doing some late 90s
to early 2000s R and B. I had to write a soliloquy. A lot of hoops for this Jetta. Did you … when did you know
you were being scammed? Did you give her money? No, but I gave her my info
and my phone number. Andy told him
he was being scammed. That’s when I stopped. Mark face Andy said,
“You’re being scammed.” He had to tell him. Yeah. He’s like, “Dude, stop,
don’t call them.” I just want you to buy
my Jetta, BB. BB, it’s me Bunny. It’s Bunny,
why can’t you buy BB, Bunny? I need it. He’s like, oh,
I’ll be your hero. This Jetta was once
owned by Mike McCready. He’s like, hold on, what?
What the fuck? It’s the advertising thing,
they know him so well. If I was to Google,
Mike McCready drove this Jetta. What the fuck
did you just say? And it’s up here in my local
Facebook group from New Jersey? From near Teaneck, New Jersey? He goes, this car was kicked
in the rims by an angry Eddie Vedder
when the turn was made while the walk signal was going. Hey, man, I’m crossing
the street here. Hey, man, pedestrians
in the road too, kayak. I’m drinking my wine
across the street. Trying to get to
ukulele practice. Lou, how much was she
asking for in eBay credit? One grand. 1000. For a car? I know. It seems like too good
to be true, eh? Well, it is. It is.
It was too good to be true. I know you bought
eBay gift cards for somebody. I was going to. I was on my way
to the store. No, you were … come on. Oh, my fucking god. To investigate, to investigate. Well, this is-
If eBay gift cards exist? Yeah, they do. Are you gonna walk to the store
and not buy them? All right, I’ll see if these
things exist, I’ll buy them. But I don’t know. Can I speak to the manager
of this CVS? Are these real?
Are these things real? Right now,
I just wanna make sure. ‘Cause a girl told me
she’d give me a car if I bought these for her. He goes, $1000. The guy goes, “For a Jetta?
That’s a good deal.” That’s a good deal.
I’d say do it. I say, there you go. Where’d you see this
on Facebook? He goes-
In your hometown group? You go on your hometown group?
On Facebook? He’s unlocking the case
with them and he goes, “What?” All right.
That’s a little weird. I don’t think I can
sell you this. Son, are you
on methamphetamines? So where do you stand right now? I blocked and reported her. You reported her?
Nice. No, I just blocked her and I- You reported her
to the actual group. Hey, group. Hey, everybody outside Teaneck,
this girls such a bitch. Hey, it’s Lou, the pearl. Why don’t you try
to fight the guy … Who posted it?
The guy who posted it? Do you know where he lives? It’s a woman and- It was for her sister? She had a few mutual friends,
yeah. But her sister
wasn’t on there, but- Why don’t you do
some investigation now and find out who this mother
fucker was trying to scam you? Yeah, let’s exploit.
Let’s go to the top. Could kick her in the snatch. Why don’t we do a
Bonfire investigation? Take down this whole ring? Justice. All right. While she sleeps, we’ll release
cockroaches into her ear. With earwax.
Have them coated in earwax. Yeah, we’ll shove them
in pre-waxed. Here’s what we’ll do.
We’ll get all our earwax pulled and then slather
these roaches in earwax. Jake, we’re gonna have to
keep that at your house. Yeah. We’re gonna have to put
that and your refrigerator. We’re gonna have to keep
that in your fridge. Cockroaches- I don’t have fridge room
right now. You know I’m doing
a meal plan. Come on. You know I got
my quinoa and lamb portions. You know I got my portions. I have my portion control. So then yeah,
we’ll take her down. I love it. Okay. I love the idea. Do you still want to … are you still looking
for a Jetta? Was it a Jetta
’cause it was $1000? Or were you like, finally? I don’t know a lot about cars. You’re like, oh, my god, do I get to keep
the pink sunglasses hanging from the rear
view mirror? Can I keep the class
of 2008 forever? The scrunchie on
the steering column. Do I have to wash off
the soap that says RIP Carmine, forever young? Did I mention that part? The car is so cheap
because her husband died. In it? Wow. Not in it. Oh, that’d be great.
Cooked alive. He OD’d in the back. Yeah, so his ghost
is gonna bother you. His ghost is gonna
back seat drive you. ‘Cause now if you’re wondering
why this is too good
of a deal to be true, he goes, it is slightly haunted
by my dead husband. How are you in the market
for a haunted Jetta? He changes the channels
to the music he likes. He was into country pop. The fluid will be blood
sometimes. That is him
manipulating the car. It will break
on the highway. You’ll put your air conditioner
on, it’ll come out hot. It is.
Every once in a while. Sometimes the screams
of the damned will come through
your speakers. He goes, once in a while,
you’re gonna push the button, you’re gonna push
the lever to squirt up the windshield washer fluid
and bees are gonna shoot out. He goes, if bees or blood, that’s what we have
in the fluid. Also know that the car
will pin in gas, sometimes on a highway
while you’re by a cop. Good new though, if it kills, it’s gonna seek out
your particular enemies. Yeah, so it does- You saw somebody in Christine,
the funny, the Stephen King car. Yeah. Here’s the thing, it is gonna
run down your enemies. So that’s cool.
So that is a benefit. Also, great gas mileage. You don’t have to be there.
You don’t even have to be there. The car will leave at night. You’re sleeping,
it’s eliminating your foes. What was that you’re saying? What happens if it gets
into an accident? It fixes itself. Yeah, by the way, there is flesh
underneath the … oh, god no, this car is …
the car does bleed. The car does bleed. He goes,
there is a ribcage underneath. There’s a lot to explain. Basically, if you buy,
you’re buying as is. If you- No one’s gonna work on this car. If you nap in the car, you will
be woken up by heartbeat. It is terrifying. He goes, if anything
happens to the engine, you are gonna have to go
to some sort of a warlock mechanic combo,
which I have yet to see. Good luck. They have one at
a Benz dealership in Delaware. You’re gonna have to drive
all the way up there for that. There’s one in Norwalk,
Delaware. Yeah. Also, the reverse- Little south of Wilmington. The rear view mirror will show
you your dead relatives decomposed. Head’s up. Just in case
you’re looking to merge. And also, the door lock wiggles. But 1K. So … But all that said, 1K
and you are cruising around- My husband was a very bad man. You are cruising around hat
to roof in a Volkswagen Jetta. Hey where you going? Don’t forget to watch
the next video. Stay tuned now for part two. I’ve always wanted to say this,
but click the link. Is that a thing
we’re going to do? Click the link.

50 thoughts on “Don’t Buy a Jetta on Facebook – The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder

  1. I know someone who bought a rolls royce off ebay and paid 1000 before even test driving it. He also claims to have an I.Q. of 141.

  2. Thank you! Please keep the longer bonfire videos, and multiples per week are great if they are longer than 6-7 minutes a piece too so more like this is always nice.

  3. The only thing I can think of is that I have to go to the store and get some rest and feel better soon and that is why I am asking for a friend to talk to you about it when I see it happening with the car and the other one is 👌?

  4. 🎶 Comedy Central needs to get their Shit together and Post full videos of The Bonfire or Give Big Jay and Dan a show on Comedy Central in a Boys Dreammm!!! 🎶

  5. Comedy central could do so much more with the bonfire. We need merch and full episodes on video. Also recording live audience shows is a must

  6. Does Jacob know that the actor Jan-Michael Vincent who played ‘Airwolf’ died today (3/8/19)?!?!? He’ll be devistated….

  7. 👍👍🏻👍🏻👍🏼👍🏽👍🏽👍🏾👍🏿👍🏾👍🏾👍🏽👍🏼👍🏻👍👍👍🏻👍🏻👍🏼👍🏽👍🏾👍🏿💦💃

  8. As a female massage therapist, literally the first thing people ask me when I tell them what I do is how many happy endings I’ve given. Surprisingly though I really haven’t had to many actual dicks flashed my way

  9. What do i need to subcribe to to see this everyday…. I already have Sirius but i need full episode video…… [Shut up and take my money meme]

  10. Go to Patreon Bonfire, if the fools at Comedy Central don’t pay you what your worth. Only show worth listening to on SiriusXm….

  11. Why do we let Jay get away with hack Mexican voice? It's 2019! Can we all just admit that banning Asian voice was a mistake and now we all have to sit through this bullshit, which is not even less racist!

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