Hey all! Scott here. With Valentine’s Day coming up, virginity is out of the spotlight so let’s celebrate by playing a game focused entirely on Oh s***, it’s pronounced “breasts”? I always thought it was pronounced “beans”. Street Fighter’s probably the first thing you think of when the term “fighting game” gets flung at you, but when you’re asked to think of another fighting game series, many will definitely bring up Dead or Alive. Easily one of the most beloved and iconic fighting games out there. Dead or Alive started out in the arcade as a 3D fighter inspired by Sega’s Virtua Fighter series. However, it needed something to set itself apart and to guarantee success. So director Tomonobu Itagaki decided to add a giant dab of that whole sex thing people are crazy about. Itagaki…that name sounds familiar. Well, I’ll try to remember him later. Right now, I’m more interested in beating Devil’s Third again for some f***ing reason. Oh f***, he’s that guy? Ever since the franchise’s inception DOA has been infamous for its emphasis on The Guy Game’s main selling point. Now that doesn’t mean it isn’t a legitimately good fighting game. People adore this series for the gameplay. It just so happens to be a legitimately good fighting game that’s also pro-breast. And now we’re up to Dead or Alive 6 and developers at Team Ninja have stated they wanted to focus more so on being a competitively viable fighting game and less so on Now does this mean all the has been removed from DOA6? No. But still if you’re a fan of the you may be a little miffed by this direction, but you may be happy to know that there’s a full game out there with just the After the release of Dead or Alive 3 on the original Xbox, It happened. Techmo decided to butter up Dead or Alive’s most iconic element and release it for $50. Oh man, I love volleyball! Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball. Man, you can’t get less beach volleyball than this! Putting this game on my shelf may make me feel like I have to clean all games surrounding it, but let’s not focus on all THIS and let’s just focus on all this. Featuring Dennis Rodman Well, there you go. It meets the quota. Oh man, we can gamble at the casino in this game! That’s a pleasant surprise I wasn’t expecting! That’s the same feeling I get whenever I open up the newspaper! Oh s***, they got Dilbert in this thing?! Here we go! Just a quick closed disc tray button away from the polygons of my dreams! But we gotta know what we’re getting into before things get too f***y. The instruction manual has some great tips to live life by like: “like is like” and “dislike is dislike” and “use the A button to return the ball.” Now of course, you may ask why am I resorting to real life virtual women this Valentine’s Day? I could always try out dating apps. I could download Bumble! It’s like Tinder for when you run out of matches on Tinder. Or I could try meeting somebody in person F*** Kotomi’s looking REALLY good after saying that! All right, let’s play the Spike 2003 Video Game Awards Winner for Best Animation and oh, Sorry, human women, you’ve had a good run. But this game may help me in my quest to complete my character arc. I’m finally gonna get e-laid! This opening movie shows us everything DOA Xtreme has in store for us: We can look at women and look at women. And now onto the story. After Dead or Alive 3, Zack gets crazy rich at the Casino, buys an island and invites the girls there. They reach the having a story quota too, this game won’t stop. And here we have the ladies of Dead or Alive: Blinky, Inky, Pinky, Clyde, they’ve got em all. I have to pick my favorite girl of the bunch and we have all this fun information displayed! Hey, “age not available”! That’s Dead or Alive lingo for We’ll go with Tina. She’s from America, which means she probably speaks English. No offence to the other girls, I just don’t want our marriage to fall apart after 10 years due to the language barrier. Tina’s great! She plays Donkey Kong Barrel Blast and has salmonella. Moving on to the island and son of a bitch that whole let’s go with an American Girl tactic to get an english-speaking woman fell apart, everybody speaks Japanese. It’s okay. Team Ninja was one step ahead of us and we get some great subtitles. This review is coming along nicely. Lisa’s our little friend and we can start the vacation off by heading to the accessory shop and spending some of our Zack bucks and some trinkets. I have 10k to start and I think two bottles of nail polish remover will do the trick. Let’s head to the poolside next. This is great. You think the guy that programmed Math Grand Prix knew video games would become this? Oh, man, there’s a mini game I can play! *A Whole lotta S***s * *Even more S***s * I’ve had so many gaming accomplishments, like I almost beat Kirby Star Allies and I can’t even get through the hopping game! After various attempts… I did it. Now into three-sixth of the title, some Xtreme Beach Volleyball! Yeah, that’s volleyball. We even have a dedicated oggle button when one of the teams win. Pop that finger ever the trigger button and BAM! These matches can get intense and by that, I mean they never end. Of course one of the main gameplay mechanics Xtreme has is trying to befriend the other girls to play with you and be your teammate I couldn’t do it. We’re sticking to Lisa. I mean the volleyball portion of the game is fine, but why play volleyball when you could gamble? Anybody ever go to a casino that’s not related to Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball? Yeah, those things are fun, I love playing slot machines and seeing if they deem me worthy enough to make 10 cents back. Casinos need like a Captain Commando cabinet or something. Slot machines don’t cut it. Yeah, I think the most interesting part of the casino is probably the table game. So let’s do some blackjack. I don’t know what’s going on here. But these words are making me pretty happy. So I’m gonna keep doing it. Say what you will about Team Ninja but those guys know how to pick a font. Roulette, so this is what all-in looks like! Yeah I lost. Back in my room, Zack gave me crabs and I think I’m gonna spread it This generosity needs to go all over the island. I’m sending two bottles of nail polish remover to some other girls Well s***. On to another day of poolside, volleyball, gambling, goodnight! Poolside, volleyball, gambling, goodnight! *”poolside, volleyball, gambling, goodnight” starts overlapping* *”poolside, volleyball, gambling, goodnight” still overlaps* JESUS CHRIST! I at least need to change the song selection. We’re a Baha Men household. Even with the song change, I think I’ve gotten about as much out of DOAXBV as I can muster. “But Scott!” you may squeal, “You can play the hopping game again!” Well, it is true, I can also get leprosy so really anything’s possible. Even when you try to swoon over the other girls to be your friend, it’s just the same thing over and over again. Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball is an oggling simulator and not much else. We can play volleyball, gamble and play volleyball There are three more of these games. At the time of its release, however, it got fairly great reviews. I mean, it’s everything us male gamers want in a volleyball game: stimulating activities, a killer soundtrack, Dennis Rodman. And honestly, the graphics for the time are crazy impressive, like this game looks better than some of the games coming out today. But when Playboy out of all publications gives your game a 7.4 out of 10 that’s when you know, oh wow, even Playboy can see through this s***. What a way to spend the week of Valentine’s Day, living it up playing Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball Wow, just saying that hurt. Imagine actually doing it. It’s pathetic. I should really start contributing more to the human race. Maybe I should start protesting and demanding changes to society. We eliminate the number 4 and replace it with the letter H! Outlaw headphone jacks. Foot gloves. Penguin. Flight. School. Stamps: for stamps. The MPAA should rate shirts. Reclassify aspartame as a vegetable. Make R a vowel!