Baseball’s Boner Pill Habit (feat. Thomas Lennon) – Lights Out with David Spade


Major League Baseball issued
a warning to players not to take “boner pills”
bought at gas stations after players blamed them for
testing positive for steroids. -Ha-ha! -Isn’t it
more humiliating to be… know you’re at a gas station taking boner pills
than steroids? Well, David, you know, like,
sometimes this is the only way a major league baseball player
can get to third base. (laughter) -You know?
-Well, yeah, well, I… first of all,
I’m-I’m shocked, you know, ’cause I love baseball,
and second of all, is it, like, every gas station
that’s got them? Yeah. Arturo, Arturo. -They don’t work.
-Oh. (laughter) -Oh, that’s so weird.
-This out of 7-Elevens, too? Yeah, I didn’t know.
There’s one over here– you can follow me home–
but there’s one, um, I went in there
and I didn’t even know it, and I see–
but they’re by the impulse buys. The guy’s like,
“Want a boner with that? Maybe a rod for the road?”
I go, “Eh, I don’t know.” What were you buying, like,
Kleenex? So they’re like, -“You might need one of these.”
-Mm-hmm. -Like, to clean up.
-I know. I got it. “I saw you looking
at the hot dog spinner…” -CASTRO: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-TIANA: Yeah. It’s like suggested music
on Spotify, -because you were looking at it.
-Yeah. “Since you like… Pringles,
you might also want a boner.” -CASTRO: Horny goat…
-SPADE: I go to get a Magnum, they’re like,
“No, no, yours are over here.” -(laughter)
-What do you know. LENNON:
Oh. How dare you, sir. Well, it’s so weird, because
Major League Baseball’s had a really big problem this year:
like, so many of the players have been coming out and saying
that the balls are juiced. And I’m like, oh, I didn’t know they were talking
about their own. -(laughter)
-This whole time. Well, we sent one
of our mediocre writers, Bobby Miyamoto… to the gas station,
where Arturo’s going after to report on the boner pills. Bobby, do you see
any baseball players over there? Hey, Dave. There’s
no baseball players here, but they got quite an assortment of what they call
“pup tent” pills. -LENNON: “Pup tent”?
-TIANA: What? There’s one called Thunder Bone
that’s selling like hotcakes. (laughter) The ladies seem to like
(bleep)timus Prime. (laughter) Huh. Thunder Bun was my nickname
in high school. That’s the face
of a man who just stocked up on some Platinum Girth. -LENNON: Girth?
-Comes with a bag of ice. Bobby, why don’t you, uh,
why don’t you pop one of these and see if they actually work. -I’m way ahead of you, Dave.
-(laughter) Oh, my God. I just took something
called The Dick-inator. I don’t know if it’s
the warm summer air, and I don’t want to get
too graphic, but let’s just say -I’m half-mast and rising.
-(laughter) Yeah, it might be the air.
Okay, we got it. Another one is Omega Plow. Says it won’t give you
headaches. Huh? Maybe a stocking stuffer
for the boss? Thank you.
That would be nice, Bobby, yes. Hey, by the way, being on TV
is giving you a swollen head. -You’re telling me.
-(laughter) -It’s all workin’.
-What a layup. You know what?
Snag me some extra Thunder Bone out of petty cash–
we’ll pass it around here. -Oh, sick.
-All right, thanks, Bobby.. -Bye.
-(applause, cheering, whooping) A little clunky, but I liked it. -TIANA: No, I like it.
-Uh, speaking of a rod, A-Rod is back in the news. He revealed he has a burner
Instagram account to keep tabs on what his daughters are doing
on social media. -Okay!
-TIANA: Yeah. -(laughter) Um, what’s
really going on here, Sarah? Yeah, he’s, like,
such an upstanding guy. That’s what I think of when I
think of A-Rod from the Yankees. I’m sure he has two phones
and a burner Instagram account ’cause he’s checking
on his daughters. He’s checking
on everybody else’s daughters. -Your daughter, your daughter,
yeah. -Oh, boy. Oh, boy. -Oh, boy.
-Get out of here. The problem about A-Rod is,
like, you know, he’s a Latino celebrity,
so I feel I can’t have an opinion on him, ’cause he’s
sort of like our O.J., you know? -SPADE: Yeah.
-So… -unless he, like…
-SPADE: You need your own O.J. murders somebody–
and even if he does, -he gets, like, one of those,
you know? -Yeah. So between the steroids
and the burner phone, like, he gets one more
after this, you know, -before I can have an opinion.
-I like that. Team player. My-my head just exploded, ’cause
I did not know you were Latino. -(laughter) -Well, ’cause
he pronounced my name wrong. -It’s Wilmer Valderrama.
-Ah! -Yeah. Yeah, that’s how
it’s pronounced. -So confusing. Yeah, I know, it’s very… That’s a deep cut now. SPADE:
All right, moving on. ANNOUNCER:
This story was sponsored by Mosquito Wireless. (mosquito buzzing,
bug swatter snapping) ♪ ♪ ANNOUNCER: The official phone
of having a side piece. We’re cool about it. We’ve got our own problems. Our CEO was on
Epstein’s plane. Like, a lot. ♪ ♪ I think they’re buying
too much of the show. -I don’t like this. -LENNON:
They own a lot of it. Can we get any other
sponsor to do this? Can we get Thunder Bone
involved? All right.
Got to pay the bills. You’re gonna need a sponsor
if you keep drinking all that. SPADE:
I know. -This is fun juice.
-TIANA: Sure, sure, sure.

39 thoughts on “Baseball’s Boner Pill Habit (feat. Thomas Lennon) – Lights Out with David Spade

  1. It's just funny to me; these men are considered the faces of masculinity, theyre packed with muscles, tons of women wanna sleep with them, they're rich, and they can't even get it up. This just proves everyone– even so called perfect people– have faults.

  2. I forget the Latino guys name but his show is so bad. It's like they thought he'd be like key and peele. But they never watched key and peele.

  3. This was good. The juiced balls joke was great. For the record though, the balls aren't juiced. MLB bought the plant that makes the balls, they've essentially "perfected" the balls they use now. The laces are lower which creates less drag on the ball, which in turn increases the distance the balls are going.

  4. Holy smokes…. spudley's got a hairline down to his eyebrows!!! He used to be "the Kid." Really funny and NATURALLY funny, not forced premises like the over produced shows on the big 3. Don't get too far in to the weeds with the "BITS" bro…Bits are just a crutch for people that aren't really funny. Home-run monologues-…even when they tank- like Johnny!!! Good Job

  5. Can anyone tell me when this actually comes on comedy central?? Also why does comedy central suck so bad . I check it every day now that I have cable back and it's always, south park, office repeats for hours on end . What happened to them . Shows like after midnight, broad city, stand up etc . It's all old repeats

  6. The best group of guests in this series sooo far, maybe not the most famous guest, but very well known and liked and mostly really funny, charismatic and talented They should be Dave's permanent co-hosts.

  7. Hey Mr Bobby Miyamoto, Dude You are Great. The Very Best Reporter That Ever was. GET WELL. Spade Your The Man and The Corp.

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