A School District’s Defense: Mini Baseball Bats


SPEAKING– SPEAKING– SPEAKING
OF POORLY-THOUGHT-OUT PLANS THAT AREN’T GOING TO WORK, EVER SINCE
THE DEADLY SCHOOL SHOOTING IN PARKLAND, FLORIDA, PEOPLE HAVE
BEEN LOOKING FOR ANY SOLUTION TO PROTECT OUR SCHOOLS. SOME LEADERS HAVE PUSHED FOR
STRONGER GUN CONTROL, WHILE OTHERS HAVE VOLUNTEERED TO BE
FITTED WITH SADDLES SO THE N.R.A. CAN JUST RIDE THEM LIKE
PONIES. ONE SCHOOL DISTRICT IN
PENNSYLVANIA HAS FIGURED OUT A NOVEL SOLUTION: ARMING ITS 500
TEACHERS WITH BASEBALL BATS. NOW, HOLD ON! I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING:
WHAT A STUPID IDEA. BUT HOLD THAT THOUGHT BECAUSE
YOU’RE GOING TO NEED IT AGAIN– BECAUSE THESE ARE THE BATS
THEY’RE GIVING OUT. ( APPLAUSE )
GREAT, YEAH. PERFECT! NOW OUR SCHOOLS WILL BE AS SAFE
AS A MINOR LEAGUE STADIUM ON SOUVENIR BAT NIGHT. ( LAUGHTER )
AND LAST MONTH, A DIFFERENT PENNSYLVANIA SCHOOL DISTRICT
EQUIPPED EACH OF ITS CLASSROOMS WITH A BUCKET OF ROCKS. YES, A BUCKET OF ROCKS, AS IN
THE PHRASE, “THIS IDEA IS AS AS DUMB AS…” THOUGH IT COULD WORK IF THE
ASSAILANT HAS SCISSORS. IF HE’S GOT PAPER, YOU’RE
SCREWED. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) NOW–
NOW, LET’S BE CLEAR: BOTH OF THESE IDEAS SUCK IT. BUT THEY DO DEMONSTRATE THAT
ONCE YOU TAKE GUN CONTROL OFF THE TABLE, THERE ARE ALL SORTS
OF ALTERNATIVE METHODS FOR PROTECTING OUR SCHOOLS. FOR EXAMPLE, WHY NOT JUST ARM
EVERY TEACHER WITH AN ILL-TEMPERED BABOON. THE BABOON WILL BE SURE TO FIGHT
ANY MAD MAN THAT COMES ON CAMPUS WITH HIS OWN BABOON, BECAUSE THE
ONLY WAY TO STOP A BAD GUY WITH A BABOON IS A GOOD GUY WITH A
BABOON. OR HOW ABOUT THIS? IN ADDITION TO METAL DETECTORS,
EVERY ENTRANCE TO THE SCHOOL WILL BE MANNED BY A DEVIOUS
PUZZLE MASTER WHO ASKS THE INTRUDER RIDDLES THREE BEFORE
ENTERING HE CAN BE. AND ONCE THE BAD GUY’S
DISTRACTED BY FIGURING OUT WHAT HAS NO HINGE KEY OR LID AND A
GOLDEN TREASURE INSIDE IT’S HEAD– BAM! THE BABOON HITS HIM WITH A
LITTLE BAT.

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